How I broke up with my Facebook account
Facebook doesn't care about you - people do.
For a lucky and determined few, quitting the big FB comes naturally. Slouched in their beds at 8 a.m. with a laptop on their stomachs, they scroll down the news feed, delving deeper into their idleness, when suddenly, they realize — wait a
minute; I need a life. They turn off their laptops and
seek the embrace of the urban jungle — or at the very least, a good book.
For the rest of us, however, getting off FB feels like a dare — 40 days, 40 nights — complete with the many temptations that automated e-mail notifications thrown at us. So if you fail, don’t worry. Nobody expects you to survive anyway. But if you succeed, hooray for you. Why not celebrate with a status change? “SURVIVED FORTY DAYS AND FORTY N IGHTS WITHOUT FB!” A few congratulatory comments from friends you haven’t heard from in 40 days; 20 or 30 “likes” from people who have the time to click; and voila! You’re hooked again. So much for living in the desert.
NECESSARY ACCOUNTS
Aside from the unavoidable fact that the known universe practically revolves around Facebook, what
makes quitting Facebook difficult is how our friends, family, and our occupations have made it necessary to have a working Facebook account.
By a “working Facebook account,” I mean an inbox wherein we receive important updates from friends who don’t know our e-mail addresses (since we probably made ours back in the day when fancy usernames with our birthdays embedded in it were the “in” thing, like coolkid62089@soandso.com). By a “working Facebook account,” I also mean access to that nifty “groups” feature wherein you can keep over-thebar conversations with friends — in secret, too — or plan a company presentation out in cyberspace. How do you top that with mailing lists or mIRC?
These, taken together, have made it easy for us to
say, “I just need my Facebook account for messaging or reading the news.” But before we know it, we’re spazzing out on 9gag or crying over some inspirational video a friend posted. Social networking has gotten so under our skins that we can’t fathom the possibility of even living without it.
NEW HABITS
Some say quit Facebook and take on a new habit. Yes, habit. It’s a success story we’ve seen time and time again: a friend whom you knew did nothing but post what he had for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, one day decided to take up running as a sport (everybody does, anyway). He went under the radar for a few months — no Facebook pictures whatsoever. And before you can say “What’s cooking?” he posts
how quick he finished a half marathon. Ironically, you found out about this success story on — you guessed it — Facebook.
Everybody goes back to the nasty crook. Of course, we need to let everyone know how we’ve taken on a new thing. And what better way to let everyone know than through the megaphone that is Facebook? It’s also unfortunate that there are no self-help groups to wean us off this addiction. It would be interesting to find a group of Facebookers Anonymous where we’d all gather in weekly meetings and share the hardships of how hard it is to avoid typing in our log-in information, not clicking the “like” button, etc. Aside from being silly, it would also be ironic because we’d have to set up a group page on Facebook, an event page for invitations, and ultimately, a
profile picture where we’d all be
showing our faces. That said, it wouldn’t be so anonymous after all — unless we implement a “no tagging” policy.
LOST LOVE
In lieu of any real solution on how to actually quit Facebook, we need to look at our givens and try to work it out from there. If there’s one thing contemporary life has proven true about The Social Network, it’s that it’s harder to quit than a lost love.
It’s harder to quit than a lost love precisely because Facebook doesn’t love you back.
In much the same way, Facebook, unlike your ex-, can’t hate you or blame you for spending all their money. It’s there, sure, but it doesn’t know who you are or that you’re even alive. “Alive” being the operative word. Because there is life outside (and after) Facebook. For crying out loud, it’s only got buttons and a few boxes.
So if you’re looking for recognition, or maybe a congratulatory pat on the back for quitting Facebook, don’t. Facebook does not care about you — people do. If you’re planning to quit the habit, don’t treat it like the BFF whom you need to tell everything that’s been going on in your life. Treat it like the person who never, ever loved you back.
The known universe might be on Facebook — so why not dive into the unknown? You don’t try quitting Facebook. You just do.