ow to be ome a true dete ti e
W R RW , I R D W
True etective W WR D D R
The critically acclaimed and widely loved s e ries has come and gone. The killer was found, the murder was solved, and Mustice was served. ut that doesn t mean the W W Moyride has to end. For those of you who can t get enough of the 2 miniseries and always wanted to live out the life of a T detective, this little guide might help.
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(ver felt like time was nothing more than a flat circle? Then you have the makings of becoming a true detective! Familiarize yourself with The Yellow King, Carcosa, and devil worship, and you might Must get all the references to all those murders you re trying to solve. earn about everything from evil spirals to demonic rituals so you won t look like an idiot when grown men with animal heads come knocking on your door. eading up on stories of the occult may lead you to a dangerous path but at least you ll spot all of the show s lan 0oore shout outs! henever it gets too much, Must sit back, rela , look up at the stars, and make up stories about light ver sus dark and how that relates to the last years of your life.
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Just as it did with occult fiction, W W took liberties with its use of beer. lmost every other scene in various parts of the day involves the lead characters drinking some beer. ecause apparently, drinking something that may or may not compromise your Mudgment is what hardboiled detectives do for some reason. hether you re looking for ora ange s killer or in the middle of a police interrogation, it won t hurt to grab a case or two of your favorite ale. Cheers!
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It s always great to have an artistic side. Just because you re still a suspect in a serial killing spree you supposedly solved years ago doesn t mean you have to throw creativity out the window. W W showed us the beautiful art of beer can origami. Impromptu dioramas of a horrific crime scene prove that anything can be immortalized in beer can art. It s less el egant than the traditional paper origami but there s something to be said about using materials that smell like burps and piss, and turning it into the stuff of nightmares. hile you can use any kind of beer can, it is preferred to use one Star beer cans Must so you can employ its star logo to depict dark occult symbols and Satanic pentagrams.
air is the least of your priorities when you want to be a true detective. ho cares if you go bald or start looking like a hobo the spaghetti monster is still out there! true detective doesn t concern himself with nonsense like showering or going to the barber. Sure, maybe the loss of hair signifies the loss of respect your wife, your kids, and your peers have for you but it s okay because there s always a guy with dirty Jesus hair you can always lean on. s long as people with bad hair stick together, there s no murder they can t solve give or take years, a whole lot of drugs, and the occasional redneck biker.
(very true detective needs to be a Mack of all trades. First, you need to be able to have the balls to cheat on your beautiful wife. referably with someone who looks like she came from a ercy Jackson movie. nd after your wife forgives you, cheat on her again with another random girl you met at a bar. If cheating isn t your thing, go ahead and lie. Feel free to speak in half truths and tell the world that you were in an epic gunfight rescuing little girls. true detective is also an e pert in horticulture. Just like life peg ust Cohle, you can mow your partner s lawn even if he didn t ask you to. 2nce you ve conTuered gardening, why not go all ninMa and sneak into a couple of houses in the middle of the night. Is it illegal? ho knows? ut it sure looks like a lot of fun. hen you ve done all that and everything else, you can go back to finding The Yellow King.