The five languages of love

DEAR EPPY,

I was doing my morning routine of newspaper scanning as part of my job when I stumbled on your article, “Are Filipino men mama’s boys?” It relates very close to my heart, as my wife and I just entered our golden years, half of that spent in marriage.

My daughter who is now of marrying age would rib her Mama when she prepares our meals with special attention to me. “Bakit hanggang ngayon ikaw pa rin ang nagtitimpla ng

kape ni Papa? Wala ba siyang kamay?” In fact, my in-laws when they visit our home would notice this and the many things that others would say that the father of the house gets pampered as if he’s just a little kid — or a kid that never grew old.

Well, my daughter is just teasing her mother because until now, she does pamper her “Baby Bro” — who’s physically bigger than her and lives on his own in Baguio City as he attends college. Cooks his favorite meals when he’s home (not as frequent as I would’ve wished), even chooses the clothes he buys. I guess women of my family do tend to pamper the menfolk. Given this, however, hindi naman kami

bondying. I do household chores — people close to me here at work know that my weekend is almost sacredly exclusive to my family to the point that there is a running joke that if they make me work on weekends, my wife and kids would go to work/school in dirty unkempt clothes. Which is almost true. In fact, I do the laundry, make sure the car they’ll ride is clean, the garden is tended, and the backyard is swept. My son ensures that his ate is brought to where she wishes to go (family driver, ika nga), does the errands for her with nary a complaint.

There are a thousand other things we do for each other. It’s not perfect — we do get to have some tampuhan, conflicts and, sometimes, voices are raised especially when personal spaces get blurred.

My point is, regarding this pampering thing, these are ways for families and individuals to express their love and affection to people closest to them. You do these things not because it is expected of you, but it is how you want them to feel — loved.

Thanks, Eppy, for this opportunity to share.

JOHN DEAR JOHN,

It is quite clear to me that you are writing me to defend your behavior, because your behavior and your wife’s behavior seem to be similar to what I wrote about on March 3, 2015. In that article, I described a man who expects to be served by his partner. As a result, I summarized that some psychologists and psychiatrists (maybe all) think that Filipino men are momma’s boys.

Reading your letter put a smile on my face. It’s nice to know that there exists in our world, specifically in the Philippines, a family that models the true sense of what a family is. Family is about doing things for someone not because you feel guilty about doing things for them, not because a family member is making you feel guilty that you should do something for them, but because you appreciate the other member in the family and would like to express love through service.

Gary Chapman, a relationship counselor, theorized that there are five languages of love. He says that the five languages of love are: a) words of affirmation; b) acts of service; c) gift giving; d) quallity time; and e) physical touch. Chapman points out that everybody needs to express and receive love through these five ways.

I have to say that although your behavior is similar to what I described in my March 3 article, it is not the same. When your wife serves you coffee, it is because she appreciates you and would like to show her love for you through service. You, in return, allow her to give you service because you would like her to know that you accept her love for you.

In my March 3 article, it is clear that the woman is expected to serve her husband even if it pains her to do so. She is pained because the husband is unlike you. That is, the husband feels “entitlled” to be served and not because he wants to let his wife know that he is accepting her love.

When a man imposes on a partner and feels he is “entitled” to a lot of things from his partner, he now becomes a burden to his partner. The partner starts to resent the other partner and begrudges service. Therefore, in my article on March 3, it is already assumed that love is not present anymore in the relationship. As usual, we blame this on abuse. Abuse will always espouse the destruction of a relationship.

I don’t think you need to explain yourself. Don’t feel guilty about how you and your wife are to each other. Continue being that way because it is healthy. You are one of the Filipino men who are not a momma’s boy. Be proud of yourself and your wife because it is difficult to keep a happy and healthy relationship. Both need to work at it every day.