Should I cheat on my cheating husband?

DEAR EPPY,

I am a 31-year-old woman, a professional with a modest practice. I am married to the vice president for sales of an insurance company. One day, a close friend of my husband came to my office by surprise. He had come to tell me that my husband of seven years was having an affair with one of his agents. I have been suspecting that something like that was happening. I asked my visitor why he was squealing on my husband when they were good friends. He was the best man at our wedding. He said he felt very sorry for me. I told him I appreciated the information and his sympathy, but my husband having an affair was a matter between my husband and me.

A month later, while my husband was, to my knowledge, on an out-of-town business trip, his friend came to see me again in my office. This time, he told me that my husband was in some lake resort with his paramour. I asked him if he and my husband had a big fight and that he was now hitting him back by letting me know about my husband’s secret affair. He said they were still good friends, but he was telling me about my husband’s escapades because he felt so badly for me that he wanted me to get mad and get even with my husband.

This time, I told him that he should cease getting involved and seeing me as what I would do about my husband’s infidelity was my own business. In parting, he asked me to tell my husband that it was he who told me should I eventually decide to get even. I asked him why I should tell him and he said “Because when you get even, I want to be your accomplice.” When I asked him what he meant, he said, “If you decide to get even by cheating on him, I want to be the one you cheat with. Imagine, his own best man turning out to be his wife’s other man. That should really hurt him.” I told him firmly, “Please leave now and don’t come to me again.”

Upon his return, I asked my husband who the woman he was with on his business trip. It was obvious on his face that I knew something. After a momentary silence, he said he helped an agent bag a big prospect, but his story was full of holes.

The idea of getting even with my husband has begun to lurk in my mind and the thought of hurting him intensely by cheating on him with his best friend as my lover is beginning to intrigue me. I met my husband and his friend at the same time. Both men are good-looking. Both tried to date me, my future husband being more persistent, his friend playing the field; I married the first. His friend remained single, continuing to play the field. He had the looks to attract girls. Having an affair with him has its appeal. What do you advise?

ANGRY BETRAYED WIFE DEAR ANGRY BETRAYED WIFE,

Life is about choices. You make a choice from the many options presented to you by life — you choose from those options, then you take the consequences of whatever choice you make. People who fail in life are those who make a choice but are not willing to take the consequences that come with the choice they make. They blame others for the consequence they are not willing to take.

There are those who take responsibility for the choices they make. They are aware of what they choose and the reason for that choice. Consequences are both positive and negative. Let’s go back to you. I’m sure you’ve heard of the phrase “Misery loves company.” That’s your friend. He wants to make sure that your life and the life of your husband will be like his. When you and your husband fight, both of you will be alone like him.

This doesn’t mean that I am dismissing the possibility that your husband may be cheating on you. But here is where you choose. Do you want to be as indecent as your male friend and cheat on your husband simply because he cheated on you? Do you prefer to change the way you are as a person because another person changes the way he is (in this case, your husband).

You choose whether you would continue loving your husband or not. If you choose to stop loving him, no one has the right to judge you if your husband truly cheated on you. If you choose to continue loving your husband, then the two of you need to talk and make him take responsibility for his choices. Make him aware that he isn’t a high school kid anymore. EPPY

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