‘Stupid is Forevermore’
In his Preface to A Subtreasury of American Humor, E. B. White said: “Humorists fatten on trouble. They have always made trouble pay. They struggle along and endure pain cheerfully, knowing how well it will serve them in the sweet by and by. . . .”
Such remarks fit Senator Miriam Defensor Santiago’s book, Stupid is Forevermore, the followup to Stupid is Forever, which has sold 350,000 since December 2014. Published by ABS-CBN, the second outing contains more of the zany jokes, witty oneliners, and silly pick-up lines that have endeared the senator to a new generation of readers.
For they’re the ones that have fueled this publishing phenomenon. Practically living in the universes of their social-media accounts, they have avidly followed the senator’s own social-media accounts — and of course, her rare but media-worthy appearances in the Senate and the lecture circuit.
In the chapter “Overheard at the Senate,” the young cartoonist Rob Cham made a funny drawing of the senator sitting between two lawmakers drawn to resemble pests. Lawmaker A said: “We can’t legalize divorce. My wife would use it against me.” Lawmaker B piped in: “I don’t want a divorce. I love my wife.” Ranged against these non-sequiturs is the line: “They have all the intelligence of political cockroaches.” And the cartoonist has indeed drawn two cockroaches.
It’s been a year since Senator Santiago went public with her announcement that her chronic-fatigue syndrome has become stage-four lung cancer. She has asked for prayers for herself and for other people battling cancer. But she has never lost her combustible humor.
To a reporter who asked about the state of her health, she said: “I still maintain my intellectual acuity. I don’t mistake other people for my husband, for example. I’m quite sure who he is.” And to another reporter who asked about her health in a hushed voice, she answered: “Iyon lang naman pala ang tanong mo, bumaba pa ang boses mo. Akala ko you were asking about my sex life (So that’s the only thing you wanted to ask, why did you have to lower your voice. I thought you were asking about my sex life.”)
The next chapter, “Kapag Dalawa ang Mahal Mo, Paglabanin Mo (If You Love Two People, Let Them Fight)” would be a hit among the young readers, for it zeroes in on love and its ruins. One line said: “If someone is flirting with you, please cooperate.” The others are written in gut-busting Taglish, i.e., “Ang mga babae ay parang prutas. May iba’t ibang flavor, itsura, at kulay. Ang problema sa mga lalaki, mahilig sa fruit salad!” (“Women are like fruits. They have different flavors, appearances, and colors. The problem with men is they like fruit salad!”)
In her speech called “The Challenge of Excellence” delivered before the graduating students of Gordon College on 2 April 2014, she said that the youth “are not powerless. Use your Facebook, Twitter, Tumbler, and YouTube accounts to voice your anger and frustration against the politicians who are driven by greed, and who are the very source of corruption in government. Do not allow the rich and the powerful to be given special privileges. You have every right to be furious at all these corrupt politicians, because after all, it is our money that is being used to sustain their expensive lifestyles. As educated professionals, you have a duty to clean up the culture of corruption.”
The chapter called “Battle Fatigue” continues its fusillade against two-timing men. Listen: “A young boy asked his Dad, ‘What is the difference between confident and confidential?’ The father said, ‘You are my son, I’m confident about that. Your best friend in school, he is also my son. That is confidential.”
And for those of us who are between 50 and death, this is as good a reminder as any: “Marami palang blessing pag tumatanda. Nagkakaroon ka ng silver sa buhok, gold sa ngipin, stones sa kidney, sugar sa dugo, oil sa mukha, at gas sa tiyan. (There are many blessings when you grow old. You have silver in your hair, gold in your teeth, stones in your kidney, sugar in your blood, oil on your face, and gas in your stomach.)”
This is one step closer to the chapter on “Thermodynamic Equilibrium,” which deals with death and other divertissements. Stupid is Forevermore is bolstered by the witty drawings of our best young cartoonists. Among them is Julius Villanueva, whose sly drawing on page 65 has a dying man asking: “Am I dead?” Mr. Death Himself — in suit and tie — gladly answers: “No, you are in a state of thermodynamic equilibrium, and tonight, you are about to become one with the cosmos.” And behind the hospital bed is a drawing of the senator, smiling wickedly like the Cheshire cat in Alice in Wonderland.
The book also does not shy from satirizing sex and its appurtenances. “Here is a scientific fact. There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer’s research. This means that by 2020, there should be a large, elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections, and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.”
Or: “There is no substitute for a reputation. It is like virginity: once lost, it can never be recovered.” That is why we have to be careful about our reputation, even if a political operator is bringing a duffel bag with P30 M in cash to our condo unit to inveigle us to join their corrupt political party in the coming elections.
“A Date with Destiny” is the title of Senator Santiago’s speech before the UP College of Medicine graduates on 20 May 2012. She took graduate studies at Maryhill School of Theology, which inflects this insight: “You are trained doctors — heal yourselves. The wise man said that we should seek elegance rather than luxury, refinement rather than fashion, worth rather than respectability, and wealth rather than riches. You have studied hard. Now think quietly, talk gently with your patients, and act frankly. In addition, listen to the stars and birds, leaders and sages, with an open heart. Await occasions and never hurry. Your most important lesson is that in the common, mundane, things in life, the spiritual, the hidden, and even the unconscious will slowly enlighten you.”
Now that is not stupid, but forevermore.