Generational mistakes

Have you ever heard yourself saying these things to your kids?

- Don’t ask me, ask your mother.

- You didn’t beat me, I let you win.

- Big boys don’t cry.

- Don’t worry. It’s only blood.

- Coffee will stunt your growth.

- A little dirt never hurt anyone, just wipe it off.

- Get your elbows off the table.

- I told you, keep your eye on the ball.

- Who said life was supposed to be fair?

- Always say please and thank you. That way, you get more.

- If you forget, you’ll be grounded till the end of the world.

- You call that a haircut?

- This will hurt me a lot more than it hurts you. - Turn off those lights.

- You call that noise “music?”

- We’re not lost, I’m just not sure where we are.

- No, we’re not there yet.

- When I was your age, I treated MY father with respect.

- As long as you live under my roof, you’ll live by my rules.

- I’ll tell you why. Because I said so. That’s why.

- What’s so funny?

- Wipe that smile off your face. Well, let me tell you what has happened. You are beginning to sound like your dad!

There is always a tendency for people to make the same mistakes their parents did even when they tell themselves “I would never do the same things my parents did to me.” Many mistakes of parents are passed on to their next generation and the generations after.

And then there is that ever-present curse that happens in many families, yet strongly denied to be existent known as favoritism. When there is favoritism in the family, the tendency of parents is to always focus on the strengths of their favorite children and ignore their weaknesses. This could be a tragic thing. As a result, the “glorious good qualities” are overly magnified, while the weak spots are hidden and would one day cause the blind-siding of the children. What is worse is that other kids who did not enjoy the privilege would not only begin to resent the favorite kid… and eventually resent their own parents as well. Sometimes “favoritism” or the perception of it happens innocently and not intentionally.

As a general rule, when parents started out in life they have a lot less to share. Their businesses were just starting, their careers were just taking off. Sacrifices were made, and the older kids went through this. As a rule, the older the parent gets, the more affluent they become, and the young kids begin to enjoy a lot more benefits compared to their older siblings. Culturally, the older ones were also reminded to be responsible for taking care of the young siblings, and so you have double tension here. The older kids receive more reprimands, enjoy less things of comfort and were told to take care and be responsible for the younger ones.

Meanwhile, they see the younger ones enjoying more creature comfort things and receiving the perceived “favorite” treatment of the parents. So how can resentment not be a part in their equation as they grow up?

Wise parents should balance equity. This is the hard heart choice of refusing to let the younger ones enjoy extra privileges that their more affluent life can offer, but to purposefully train them to go through the stage of discipline, hard work and abstention towards bright and shiny objects that are made so available during their time. This is tough love, but the need to distribute fairness as an expression of parental love is necessary. Parents need to keep tabs on this.

Grandparents are even more vulnerable. Older people with more money and more time now look back and they generally have more to share with things they were not able to do with their own children, and now splurge on the younger ones, causing immense tension within the family and creating unnecessary perception of favoritism.

With this as a background, you present these conditions to family businesses and what do you have? Family business squabbles, the conflicts are there, and they escalate over time. Parents need to be careful and equitable. If being equitable is not considered, memory may fail, but the children never forget. And this is why parenting requires wisdom.

Why is it easy to repeat the same mistakes parents did even though we determine we will not?

This is a bit of a mystery, even specialists and experts in this field cannot explain it adequately. Yet, Scriptures show us stories. Cain killed Abel out of envy. Joseph was almost killed and eventually sold to slavery because the brothers saw that Joseph, the Dreamer was their father’s favorite. In this account alone, you can see that the siblings loved their father, but they resented the brother. How is that for family businesses? Perhaps, it is a natural tendency or is it natural depravity? It is hard to explain.

Parents do exert the strongest influence upon their children. This is why many people today are living dysfunctional lives because they are still trying to live up to their parent’s expectations or are still trying to prove them wrong. And worse, they pass on the same faulty parenting to their children and to the next generation.

Parenting skills are essential leadership skills. We need to learn and apply them well.

(Attend this leadership conference as Francis Kong teams up with Ken Blanchard and John Maxwell’s accredited industry practitioners Gina Cruz and Marj Villanueva in an afternoon learning event titled: “Leadership Excellence -The Winning Edge!” on March 2 at City Club at Alphaland, Makati. For registration and inquiries contact Jacque at 0999 7283971 or Mary at 0917 8173736 or call Inspire-UN Leadership Consultancy Inc. at 777-6038)