On divorce, family and maybe starting over

Talking about this isn’t easy.

Divorce in the Philippines has been a touchy subject for a long time. It’s so touchy that we are the only country left in the world, along with the Vatican, without a divorce law. I filed the Divorce Bill shortly before the opening of the 18th Congress, because much like the other measures that are close to my heart, such as the Expanded Maternity Leave, Law, the SOGIE Bill, and the Mental Health law, I believe that its time has come.

But before I make a case for divorce, let me say unequivocally that I value and respect the institution of marriage. I admire everyone who chooses to join their life with another in this way, and I was once married myself, and I knew, felt, and experienced firsthand the kind of joy and fulfillment that being married can bring. Being married to my late husband Frank was one of the happiest times in my life. And when he died, it was also one of the most painful. As a widow, I firmly believe in the institution of marriage.

Even as I continue to celebrate marriage, as a woman, as someone who was a wife, and as a human being, I also celebrate the opportunity for other women to find second chances at love and happiness.

I’ve seen and heard an entire spectrum of reactions – from the very supportive to the downright hostile. I’ll state my case for the bill and speak plainly. This is not meant to destroy families or provide people with a panic button or an ‘easy way out’ of relationships. This isn’t fast food. The spirit behind divorce is to provide abused spouses, in many cases, women, with a way to free themselves from abuse and the pain of a dysfunctional marriage. According to the Philippine Statistics Authority, onein-four women aged 15-49 has been the victim of spousal abuse, one out of every five has experienced emotional violence, and five percent of women have even been the victims of sexual violence by their own spouse.

It’s interesting that as of 2016, more Filipinos favor the legalization of divorce compared to previous years. According

to a 2017 survey from Social Weather Stations (SWS), 53% of Filipinos support legalizing divorce in the Philippines. This is higher than the 43% reported in 2005, and right around the same range of 55% in 2016.

But the numbers are nothing compared to the very real, very human stories

I can remember the conversations I’ve had, both with advocates and ordinary women. Many were abandoned by their husbands and vanished from their families like a foam to be with another woman, with no mind to giving any kind of support to them or their children. And then there are those who are trapped and even conditioned to stay in abusive relationships that threaten their very lives. I remember one woman, Linda, who was beaten physically by her spouse constantly for over ten years. She only gathered the courage to leave him after her husband, coming home drunk, threatened to kill their child. Years later, she rebuilt her life and moved on, but never bothered to assert her rights over any of their assets as a couple.

And then there is the story of an OFW who got married at 17. After her husband suffered a stroke, she went to Saudi Arabia to work as a caregiver to increase their family’s earnings. She met a man while she worked there, but could not be with him legally.

These are just two stories. There are thousands more.

THE QUESTION OF ANNULMENT

Some say that the existing process of annulment already fills this need. Unfortunately, the reality falls short. The grounds for annulment don’t include physical abuse. And the cost can be steep for many, especially the poor and the most vulnerable. Historically annulment cases can take a very long time resolve too. Divorce clearly establishes accountability between both parties and makes physical abuse one of its grounds. It also clearly says that conjugal property will be liquidated and distributed evenly, which is something annulment currently doesn’t deal with.

Add to that the practice of annulment in the Philippines is riddled with allegations of corruption and bribery, and the light at the end of the tunnel can seem positively dim. But rather than dwell on the technicalities and legalities of divorce, because there will be enough time for this, the fact that we are talking about this bill now, raises in my opinion, an even greater social question: how do we take care of our families in this day and age? And even as we defend the family, how do we help people who need to leave abusive relationships, who are unhappy despite their best efforts at reconciliation, and who need to rebuild and find happiness elsewhere?

We should defend and nurture the Filipino family, by all means. But we should also acknowledge a reality about all human relationships – that sometimes, we don’t really know the person we chose to share our life with. Sometimes they change, turn violent and seek to inflict that violence on others, and people grow so far apart, that differences are just too wide, the problems too great to solve, and that the best way to solve them is to move on.

Divorce is not about escape. It is about hope, renewal, and a chance to love and live again.