DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH A BROKENHEARTED MAN
Bee, listen. Let your gay heart take heed. I always mean well. Falling in love with a man half your age is not the problem. Falling in love with a brokenhearted man is the problem.
You can’t fix Cee. His 25-year-old heart is grieving. There’s no deadline to grieving. The heart takes all the anguish that it wants. But you are correct, time will heal Cee. Only time. Time heals because time is God.
Your love for him is not enough. You are not enough. Unless you think of feelings as a ball being dribbled on a hardcourt. There will be fouls. There will be “traveling.” Not even a freethrow shot is assured. There will also be no rebound. Stop now. You will be brokenhearted, too.
A brokenhearted man only sees his pain. You can lick his wound all you want but only he — and, again, time — can heal himself. Get out of your fantasy bubble that he needs your amorous love.
That Cee carried on a same-sex relationship before is not an assurance that the two of you will have a rosy future. Don’t mistake his kindness for love. Those are two different things.
I agree with you that Cee is dependent on you now. You’ve been close friends for four years. He needs a friend and that’s all you are to him — a friend. Don’t overread the special attention he gives you while he’s mending his broken heart. He’s just lonely. Who wouldn’t be? His lady love found another nest. He needs ears that will listen. Your shoulders are so broad he can lounge there and sleep. Let him. But keep yourself awake. Tigilan ang ilusyon.
Don’t fall in love with him because he is capable of long, wonderful conversations. Ahh, you and I are the same. We both love men who can be spitfires with their thoughts, beautiful thoughts. Cee is a beautiful mind. So are you. But please note that only your minds will connect. His heart will not connect with yours romantically. Remember, he’s broken. And a broken man is not capable of loving too quickly, too soon.
And even if he gets healed in time, there’s no assurance that he will be led to the beatings of your heart.
Don’t fall in love with a man who takes you out to coffee in the middle of the night as you sip the brew outside a 24-hour convenience store. The answer is in the convenience store — convenient. It’s convenient for him to show his emotions to his best friend because that is exactly your role at this moment of his grief — to be a friend.
And when he gets healed in time, the two of you will still be friends. He will not cross the line. He did not tell you that exactly but he showed red flags when the topic was raised. He pushed you away deliberately. But because you are friends, he apologized for his actions. Apology is different from love. And if the two of you cross the line outside a relationship more than friendship, you don’t become friends anymore. Stop. Make a full stop.
The meme you posted the other day on FB is baloney. “Kahit imposible, hinihiling ko pa rin.” You’re asking for a miracle. A miracle of healing is what Cee needs. Pray for him. And pray for yourself that you get out of this emotional debacle.
Don’t get overly excited every time he looks for you, every time you ride his motorcycle, even if it’s just the two of you. Always remember he is a sad boy. And if at times you feel he is a manipulative sad boy — taking you away from your family on a Sunday because he needs a friend and you dropping everything for him — you always have a choice to say no, to distance yourself. You become a powerful person once you learn how to control your actions and reactions to his maneuverings.
There’s a red flag somewhere when you told me: “I felt being used by Cee.” That was after three months of him being broken. That was three months after you felt differently for him — butterflies in your stomach every time you are together; the dark sky illumined by the stars took a romantic meaning (on your part). But when you told me you felt being used emotionally, I felt you. You already feel things. Chances are, your feelings are true. Gaga, you feel them already. Stop.
Don’t get affected, too, if he does not look for you. If he cancels at the last minute on you. Don’t anchor your joy on him. He’s broken. His mind is in a quagmire. Don’t join him there by falling for him. And the fixer in you thinks you can make him think straight. He will figure it out someday — whether or not you are there beside him.
I have always been straightforward with you, Bee. You know that you have a 24/7 line to me -- though many times I told you that you can also consult a professional to also process what you are going through. Part of my worry is that you’re becoming an overthinker. (Okay, I take back the ilusyunada word I used earlier. Maybe not.)
The overthinker many times takes care of a ghost in his mind. The mind manipulates things and makes them the truth. That’s where the crazy part comes in. The overthinker is the hardest to be happy. Many times, he is capable of stealing his own happiness because he negates the spontaneity of joy.
You’ve always been a jolly person. But because you are loving a brokenhearted man and wishing him to return your love, you have begun to steal your own joy. Even if you give him your unconditional love, you will still get hurt. Love him as a friend. But for now, distance yourself from him, because you, too, are breaking apart. (I will wait for you in the house. I have manchego and a bottle of good wine.)
Trust me, I worry about Cee. But I worry more about you. I truly worry about you, Cee.
Don’t fall in love with a brokenhearted man.
A brokenhearted man only sees his pain. You can lick his wound all you want but only he — and, again, time— can heal himself.