Tinder’s List: The cyclical drudgery of online dating
The concept of online dating in the 21st century, for some millennials and Gen Z people, often feels like the worst form of unfair labor under the guise of finding romance, or in the hopes of having someone to talk with for days on end. But ultimately, dating is just a cycle of collecting, selecting, and then letting them all go again at once, only to do it again when the boredom hits rock bottom. Somehow, people just do this for a cheap thrill in the name of filling the existential void.
We’ve all had our fair share of dating successes and mishaps over the years, especially during the rise of more mobile apps allowing us to have access to more people to choose from, in smart algorithm fashion: a girl or a guy piques our attention when we scroll through the interests we might share with them, and we think this is one of the most meaningful moments of our early adulthood days.
In a talk I had with some friends and batch mates who are actively using dating apps like Tinder and Bumble, the common denominator of why they resort to engaging in social media dating is to have someone to talk to, leaning towards it being something more than getting to know each other, maybe even romantic. Most of these individuals think that having late-night online chats actually helps them feel at ease with whatever is going on in their lives, poking prominently at their soft spots.
Anna (not her real name), 26 Looking for: Women
“Something about swiping right and feeling my phone vibrate with the notification that I matched with this girl gives me a bit of confidence,” she shared, adding that it also gives her the chance to see more potential partners outside her workplace, other than past schoolmates, or friends of friends.
Anna has been using Bumble for women since 2019. She’s had some successful dates, while others remained in her chat box, never actually meeting them, before she found better matches, or before they deleted their profiles.
She managed to be in a relationship with one, though it ended right after the March 2020 lockdowns began. Since then, she’s been using it with the same vigor, in the hopes of finding someone to spend time with in between empty work hours. But she also finds it hard to sometimes “perform” in it.
“Minsan I delete the app for weeks, only to come back to it again kapag nabore na ulit ako,” she laughed.
Paul, (not his real name), 23 Looking for: Women
The same goes for Paul, who his currently in law school. Though his schedule tends to be hectic because of online classes and exams, especially with the endless hours of studying, he said that deleting and re-downloading the app can be considered his go-to when things seem to get boring and worrying at the same time for him.
“Parang minsan po kasi talaga maghahanap at maghahanap ka ng bagong kausap every now and then, lalo na at this age,” he said. Though he still believes in meeting a partner outside dating apps, he said that it all eventually feels exhausting — the whole idea of dating.
“It’s a cute concept, sure, and I know I’m still so young, but all the yearning really feels isolating sometimes, lalo na ngayong may pandemic pa,” he said.
Here’s to hoping that Paul finds it in himself to be there for himself first, despite the current challenges!
Danie (not her real name), 24 Looking for: Men
Juggling her hospital internship, review, and the overall stress she endures in medical school, Danie is currently in the dating stage with this guys she met on Bumble. Although commitment is not on the table (at least not yet) for the two of them, she said she finds it fun and exciting that she always has something to look forward to on days she’s not busy.
“Yung pagod ko minsan sa shifts ko parang nawawala, syempre, kasi may kumakausap sa akin, or may naghihintay sa akin,” she smilingly said. For her, she’s in it for the kilig, or the romantic thrill of someone treating you as “their person.” But the freedom, according to her, comes with a catch: both of them are not yet sure about each other, so the talks and dates are still in limbo.
“I’m still hoping for the best, syempre naman. Pero it’s not bad to prepare yourself din for the opposite outcome,” she lamented.
Sandra (not her real name), 25 Looking for: Men
It’s a bit different for Sandra, however. She recently just deleted all dating apps on her phone, after talking for about two weeks with a guy, who eventually became Instagram mutuals with her. Suddenly, she felt all the back-andforth messaging exhausted her, saying that it all feels performative, and that she’s selling herself short.
“Parang hindi ko naman kasi talaga trip ang online dating pala,” she realized. “Nakakapagod, mas deserve ko kasi yata ‘yung sa personal kami magkausap, or magka-date,” she joked. A hopeful romantic at best, Sandra said it didn’t really affect her to an extent, deleting and letting go of all her matches, including the guy she used to regularly talk with.
“Ang iniisip ko na lang, ‘eh ano ngayon?!’ Hindi namana ko mauubusan ng oras. Plus, even though I’m one of those people who are currently in the hopes of having a romantic partner, I think my 20s should still be majorly about nurturing myself as a person, lalo na may career akong inaalagaan,” Sandra proudly said.
DATING FOR THE SAKE OF BEING SEEN
To some extent, as most serial daters have already experienced, dating eventually felt like marketing yourself to the world, advertising the best and shiniest parts of yourself to fit the 2020s mold of That Girl or That Guy — the persona they have primed themselves to adopt, all the niche personalities consumed by the “matches” they actively chose to spend a few hours with over coffee or liquor.
From a theoretical view, we can look at it as consumers: however we try to defend it as a quirky afterwork habit, love and infatuation continue to be always for sale, with our emotions as the threshold of purchasing power. So how do we get the bag? Continuous dating. But it’s not all bad. The people who enjoy doing this like a sport are maybe just trying to weather the current pressures of modern society, peppered with the emptiness they have accumulated over the two-year run of the pandemic. Everyone and everything is out of reach, so you make do with an easy way out.
The current generation has different opinions on this, though.
The oldies, of course, are against this, and the younger ones are advocates of it, including the hook-up culture. Though both sides have strong arguments, it all boils down to the social contract (and social pressure!) we sometimes place upon ourselves and our kids: the path to marriage, and eventually having kids.
Though not everyone is dating for commitment and marriage, people still tend to lean towards that trajectory in their adulthood. With marriage as the long-term, personhood-binding chapter in their lives, we can all agree that this might be what propels most daters, aside from the easy access to sex nowadays. Which is why dating sometimes feels shameful, tiresome, embarrassing, laborious and exploitative — a capital sin you’re committing against yourself.
COMING TO TERMS WITH YOURSELF
So how do you deal with this crisis? Easier said than done, telling yourself you simply won’t observe societal norms. Of the four people I’ve interviewed, all of them seem to be trying to be good people for themselves, with or without a partner. Though it gets hard along the way, the intent is there; it’s just the world around them that makes it feel tedious or isolating.
Maybe they can blame all this on the ongoing pandemic, being away from so many people. But they can also remind themselves that there’s a bigger world out there aside from always looking for relationships in random places, forcing them to reveal so much of themselves to so many people via their phone screens.
I stopped using the dating app around three years ago, after realizing that swiping and having casual conversations with random strangers actually makes me sadder, even feeling a little gross about myself. Online dating is not for me, and casualness feels insincere, somehow, especially because I have already had a taste of what being loved in a committed relationship actually feels like. And the most calming thing about it was how I didn’t feel the need to impress the other party, or put on a persona, as long as we were both present.
All of us have different experiences on this, but let this be a reminder about love and partnership: it goes beyond constant messaging and staring at your screens, swiping at random people. Finding your match in life may be successful or not, but it’s always good to remember that you don’t have to tire yourself out by presenting a different “you” online, or even in person.