Praise the vag­ina

The Star (St. Lucia) - Life Begins 2 Nite - - CONTENTS -

Many per­sons mis­tak­enly re­fer to the ex­ter­nal gen­i­talia as the vag­ina as well, but this is re­ally the vulva, which in­cludes the labia (lips) and the awe­some cli­toris. The vag­ina has been revered, reviled and even feared. Men have killed for it, died for it and died in it.

For many, this tun­nel is mys­te­ri­ous, and its work­ings un­for­tu­nately mis­un­der­stood. Be­cause of the way in which many of us are so­cial­ized, the men­tion of top­ics and ob­jects con­nected with sex makes some un­com­fort­able, and the word ‘vag­ina’ is no ex­cep­tion.

But it ought not to be taboo. In­deed, with the ex­cep­tion of as­sisted re­pro­duc­tive tech­niques, all of our fa­thers ven­tured into our moth­ers’ vagi­nas, and most of us en­tered the world through these re­mark­able con­duits. But some of us are ter­ri­fied of re­fer­ring to the pas­sage by its right­ful name, in­stead sub­sti­tut­ing words such as “punny”, “tunny”, “tun tun”, “hoo ha” and oth­ers which I will re­frain from list­ing here as I have been in­formed that chil­dren read this col­umn.

Un­for­tu­nately, slang names for the vag­ina are of­ten used as deroga­tory terms to in­sult. One, which is an al­ter­na­tive name for a cat, is com­monly used to curse peo­ple deemed to be un­wor­thy, a phe­nom­e­non that I find to be rather strange, as a vag­ina is a won­der­ful thing.

Re­cently, some­one as­cribed the fe­line moniker to me. I gra­ciously ac­cepted the ti­tle, thank­ing the per­son for the com­pli­ment, as it means that I am in­cred­i­bly strong and ca­pa­ble of pro­vid­ing im­mense plea­sure.

The re­silience and ver­sa­til­ity of the vag­ina is fas­ci­nat­ing. Its walls pos­sess ridges known as ru­gae, which al­low the or­gan to func­tion like an elas­tic pleated skirt, per­mit­ting ex­pan­sion to sev­eral times its orig­i­nal size, not just to ac­com­mo­date the pe­nis dur­ing sex­ual in­ter­course, but also to fa­cil­i­tate the delivery of ba­bies. Af­ter al­most two decades in pri­vate prac­tice, I am still in awe when I de­liver new­borns, mar­vel­ling at the sheer awe­some­ness of the process, while si­mul­ta­ne­ously giv­ing thanks that I am not the one go­ing through it.

Once while play­fully teas­ing a pa­tient of mine who was re­quest­ing an epidu­ral (a pro­ce­dure used to elim­i­nate labour pain), she looked me in the eyes and said, “The day you push a wa­ter­melon out of your ass, you can get back to me.”

In 1879, a woman ac­tu­ally gave birth vagi­nally to a boy weigh­ing 22 pounds, at home, and lived to tell about it. The abil­ity of the vag­ina to ex­pand also makes it an ex­cel­lent place to hide stuff. The only place I have ever seen co­caine was in the vag­ina of a woman who was brought to a pub­lic hos­pi­tal by po­lice to have the sub­stance re­moved. (No, I did not snort it.)

Re­mark­ably, a loaded .22-cal­i­bre hand­gun con­tain­ing three rounds of lives am­mu­ni­tion and one spent shell was found in the vag­ina of a woman in Ok­la­homa, USA.

The story sounds bizarre, but when one con­sid­ers the bags of meth found be­tween her butt cheeks, it all makes per­fect sense.

Con­versely, the mus­cu­lar sheath can be trained not just to grip a man and re­duce him to tears of ec­stasy while speak­ing gib­ber­ish as his face con­torts, but to even smoke cig­a­rettes, a feat that I have per­son­ally wit­nessed (please don’t ask me where). Its mus­cles, like vol­un­tary mus­cles else­where in the body, can be ex­er­cised to the point of be­com­ing in­cred­i­bly strong. I re­call a pa­tient who once freaked the hell out of me.

While per­form­ing a Pap smear, I in­serted a stain­less steel in­stru­ment known as a specu­lum, in or­der to vi­su­al­ize the cervix, and opened it. But be­fore I could fix it prop­erly in place, the woman shut the de­vice sud­denly, with a bang, while giv­ing out a dev­il­ish laugh. Not sur­pris­ingly, when she left her boyfriend, he cried. In a re­lated story, in 2009, a Rus­sian woman named Tatyana Kozhevnikova placed a wooden egg in her vag­ina, at­tached a 31-pound weight to it, and lifted the darn thing, in the process set­ting the vag­ina weightlift­ing record. I would love to in­ter­view her man (if he is still alive). At least these feats are vol­un­tary. Pe­nis cap­tivus, on the other hand, is a rare oc­cur­rence that arises dur­ing coitus when the mus­cles in the vag­ina clamp down ex­ces­sively on the pe­nis, mak­ing with­drawal im­pos­si­ble.

There is a re­port of such a case in China, where a man died dur­ing in­ter­course with a pros­ti­tute, and the cou­ple had to be taken to a hos­pi­tal to be separated, be­fore the man’s body was taken to the morgue. It is not known if a crow­bar was used, or if the woman was ever paid for the ser­vice. It would be re­miss of me to not ad­dress the un­war­ranted scorn­ing of vagi­nas in cer­tain quar­ters.

The vag­ina does in­deed con­tain bac­te­ria, but the micro­organ­isms present in a healthy vag­ina are less harm­ful than those found in the av­er­age mouth. Also, the or­gan cleanses it­self, so douch­ing is un­nec­es­sary and may ac­tu­ally be harm­ful.

When one con­sid­ers that dur­ing nat­u­ral child­birth, a naked baby with an im­ma­ture im­mune sys­tem makes in­ti­mate con­tact with the vagi­nal walls, with its eyes, nose and mouth rub­bing against the canal, and comes out healthy, it stands to rea­son that the vag­ina is not some­thing nasty or un­clean at all. In­stead it is to be ap­pre­ci­ated and re­spected.

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