School Focus:

Why collaborative parenting works

Have you heard of “collaborative parenting”? It’s a method that adopts an inclusive team approach towards raising a child in accordance with their age and strengths, and amplifies their positive characteristics.

“Collaborative parenting encourages open communication, negotiation, compromise, and includes the child in the decisionmaking process,” explains DR VANESSA VON AUER, Clinical Psychologist and Founding Principal of Integrated International School (IIS). “It doesn’t mean not having rules or family expectations; but it allows every family member to contribute ideas and speak with authenticity without fearing judgement or punishment.”

We asked Dr Vanessa for more insights.

What are some of the benefits of this parenting style?

Collaborative parenting gives a child an opportunity to feel valued and heard, and to be a proactive, integral member contributing to the family unit. The general expectation within this approach is that children and parents are treated with respect, even in conflict situations, and are able to make repairs after family disagreements.

It allows both parent and child to learn from each other. By including your child’s ideas, preferences and opinions, you’re able to better understand how your child thinks and solves problems, and what motivates them to cooperate with family members.

In the long run, children who are raised in collaborativeparenting families are more willing to seek out their parents’ advice. This cultivates an open and honest relationship between parents and child; the adults are invited to be a part of their child’s life. This is particularly beneficial during the teenage years as it helps maintain a certain level of closeness and connection that can often fade and be challenged during this time.

What are some skills that collaborative parenting can help develop in my child?

As this method is synergistic, your child learns to incorporate their perspective with yours in the decision-making process and develop better problem-solving skills. They will increasingly be able to engage in active listening, and therefore be more open to others’ views. This helps them be a confident communicator who can tactfully voice out questions or have a different opinion or point of view.

If children are raised in a family where all members’ views, feelings and thoughts matter, they’ll also be more likely to respect and value their parents’ wishes and ideas. Both parents and child will embody the notion that a “challenge” doesn’t equate to being a “problem” – a powerful life skill to be equipped with.

Can this approach be used for all children?

Yes, a collaborative approach can be hugely helpful for every child’s self-esteem, sense of worth and personality development. It also helps parents to make parenting more fun and flexible, which decreases frustration and parental anxieties. However, as every child and family is different, the chosen approach does need to suit the family unit as a whole.

If I’m finding it difficult to use collaborative parenting, where should I start?

Start by observing your interactions with your child; keep a log of how you felt, your thoughts as well as the behaviours and feelings you observed in your child as a result of your interactions. By taking an “observer” role and keeping track of interactions, you should be able to identify those you feel need improving on.

Then, invite your child to brainstorm a plan with you during a “family meeting” and implement the changes.

If you need support with collaborative parenting, consider professional help from a psychologist. For further information, visit iis.edu.sg.