ATTACK OF THE CAFE CLONES

With the avalanche of new indie cafes, it’s now harder than ever to differentiate between the good, the bad and the downright phoney. TAN MIN YAN teaches you how.

don’t know about you, but I’ve had it with the recent, almost fanatic Singaporean obsession with indie cafes. Every weekend, my Facebook feed is a veritable one-upmanship of who can be the first to visit and upload pictures of that new indie cafe. I can’t go two weeks without reading about yet another one that has set up shop at some appropriately cool neighbourhood.

Even the industrial area that my office is located at has its very own hipster-esque cafe, complete with an industrial-chic get-up (always industrialchic), a generic menu of cakes and sandwiches (almost always written in chalk on blackboards), and speciality coffees (but of course).

Does it sound like that cafe you visited last weekend? Or the weekend before that? That’s because they are essentially the same.

Here’s the thing: I don’t hate indie cafes. To give due credit, the first couple of generations of these cafes (Forty Hands, Jewel Coffee, Toby’s Estate and other smaller independent players) have what I call the “Trifecta of Awesome”: great coffee and food, good service and lovely ambience. All was well and good, until a horde of bandwagon-jumpers decided they wanted in on a slice of the lucrative pie – that’s when the try-hard copycats came along, minus the good qualities of their predecessors.

“Oh no!” I hear you cry. “Then how would I be able to tell the difference?!”

Fret not – I’ve done the work for you. I’ve visited an inordinate number of cafes – most of which range from underwhelming to rage-inducing – and here’s my checklist of the things that differentiate the real deal from the bad clones. You’re welcome.

#1 the decor:

There’s a fine line between hipster-cool and trying way too hard. If a cafe has concrete floors, exposed ceilings and hanging lights, don’t worry – it’s the indie cafe’s default look. A few strategically placed retro knick-knacks and vintage pieces? That’s fine too. But if the cafe is a confused mess of old fridges, typewriters and stuff even your karang guni man wouldn’t touch with a ten-foot pole, run for the hills. In my experience, any cafe that tries too hard with the decor doesn’t try at all when it comes to the food and drinks.

#2 the coffee:

If the service staff doesn’t have an in-depth understanding of the types of roast they serve, walk out. And if the service staff blithely tells you

#3 the food:

#4 the service staff:

#5 the playlist:

that they serve instant coffee – which, by the way, costs $5 – run out now.

Unless it’s an international buffet line or chef Justin Quek’s mod-Sin restaurant Sky on 57, the cafe you’re at should not have both hor fun and eggs Benedict on the menu. It shows a terrible lack of focus.

No one should make you feel bad about what you ordered, so go right ahead and get that hot chocolate – even at a cafe that claims to serve the best coffee. If you encounter service staff with a holierthan-thou attitude, take your business to another joint. Just remember to use this checklist to make sure you don’t end up at another one of the bad clones.

Remember those pretentious classmates who claimed that they listened to nothing but indie bands? Remember how nobody liked them? Likewise, stay away from any cafe that fancy themselves too cool for Top 40s music and the customers who actually like it. You probably won’t be able to understand their brand of weird (read: bad) coffee and food either.