HONEY, WE NEED TO TALK...

How do you get your man to open up? Follow these dos and don’ts when having a difficult discussion.

Get your man to open up when having a tough conversation.

DO

Go soft on him

Skip the whiny “Why are you doing this to me?” Instead, ask: “Can you please help me understand why this is happening?” – it’s far less accusatory. If it’s an issue that’s been bothering him as well, this will give him an opportunity to explain himself, and he’ll be thankful that he didn’t have to initiate the conversation.

Acknowledge his strengths

Start by letting him know that you’ve noticed his efforts – this way, he won’t get defensive. If you’re concerned that he’s spending too much this month, try starting with: “Hey, remember when you used to set a limit to your monthly expenditure? We managed to save up so much that year!” Highlighting the good stuff before gradually bringing up the problem gives him time to gather his thoughts, and will help him to realise what he should be working towards.

Explain why it’s important – calmly

Don’t let slip an exasperated “But it IS important, why can’t you understand that?” Try saying: “It’s been on my mind for days and might affect our future.” That way, he’ll understand why the issue needs to be discussed and resolved. Approach him when he’s free and well-rested – he’ll be more likely to discuss things when he’s in a good mood.

DON’T

Play judge

Let him finish talking without putting him down or making accusatory statements like “It’s your fault”. Instead of criticising, try to give solutions – this is a more constructive approach that will make him feel comfortable opening up to you.

Corner him

Choose the right place for your talk so he won’t feel like he’s being forced into it. Doing it when you’re both tucked into bed might seem intimate to you, but your man might feel like he’s trapped. Skip public places like a restaurant as the possibility of people listening in will make him feel uncomfortable. Your living room and kitchen are good spots – he’ll have the comfort and security of home, and if he gets worked up, he can walk around to calm down and come back when he’s ready.

Stray from your point

Bringing up that time years back when he forgot to pick up the groceries isn’t the best idea – you’ll catch him off-guard and make him defensive. Don’t nitpick either, or beat around the bush. Be sure about what you want to talk about and focus on the topic.