WHEN WILL HE MARRY ME?!

Experts say that a man goes through five stages before deciding you’re The One. Figure out where he is on the commitment scale – and and out if he’s playing the field or playing for keeps.

Check where your man is on the “commitment ladder” – and how to nudge him up to the next level.

You know that your man is the one for you. But as for how he feels, you might as well be doing a tango in the dark. Whenever you hint at marriage – say, by bringing up how your BFFs are all getting hitched – he ignores you and remains glued to his video games, leaving you scratching your head in frustration.

“Some men are notoriously evasive about commitment,” says Londonbased consultant psychiatrist in private practice Dr Raj Persaud.

And here’s where the “commitment ladder” comes in useful. Relationship experts say that there are five stages of commitment, with each successive stage signalling a higher level of commitment than the last. The key to a successful relationship is for couples to move through each stage together.

Problems occur when women race their way to the top of the ladder without realising that their men are lagging behind. So find out where he stands – and how to nudge him up the scale.

STAGE 1

“I’d love to see you again”

You had a good vibe on your rst date and feel that another date or two is in order. Though you guys are not an item yet, you’re civil and well- mannered to each other, and return each other’s phone calls. IS HE ON THE SAME PAGE? “You’d be surprised at the number of women who fall in love with a man who hasn’t even committed to stage one,” says Dr Persaud. Avoid asking him loaded questions, such as if he can picture the both of you together, or jump the gun and ask whether he wants to get married. Instead, create more opportunities to meet and get to know him better. GOOD SIGN If he takes the rst step and asks you out, or if he agrees readily when you ask him out. BAD SIGN If you ask if you can see him again and he says: “Er, I’ll call you sometime...”

STAGE 4 “what do you think about getting a at?”

At this stage, the both of you are comfortable with the relationship and are thinking about a future together. IS HE ON THE SAME PAGE? Simply ask: “What are your ambitions?” or “What are your plans for the next ve years?” If he talks about his career, his dreams of getting a bachelor’s pad, or how he wants to buy his rst car – with no mention of you – that’s a sign that he’s not factored you into his future. GOOD SIGN If he replies with: “Well, that really depends on you...” BAD SIGN If he says things like “I definitely want to work abroad in ve years’ time” – without asking how you feel about it.

STAGE 5 “let’s get married”

Both of you are convinced that you’re made for each other, and it’s time to make it of cial. IS HE ON THE SAME PAGE? Find a moment when you’re both relaxed, say at a romantic dinner, and bring up the subject of marriage. Go with open- ended questions like “I’d like to be married one day. How do you feel about marriage?” and see what he says. “No ultimatums, just gently ask him if he knows how important marriage is to you,” says Dr Persuad. “If he’s already come such a long way in the commitment stakes, he’s unlikely to want to lose what a great thing you have together.” But never insist on a marriage timeline or let your bridezilla side take over by saying something like “I want a big white wedding before I’m 30.” GOOD SIGN If he says things like “If that’s what you want, let’s do it!” BAD SIGN If his response is “Let’s wait another ve years. years.” If he can’t give you solid reasons for the wait, it shows he’s hedging for time.

STAGE 2

“we’re exclusive”

Both of you are comfortable with the idea of not seeing – and certainly not sleeping with – anyone else. IS HE ON THE SAME PAGE? Avoid broaching the issue directly – try not to say things like “I plan to be utterly faithful to you. Do you feel the same way?” or “It’s really important that you don’t sleep around. You won’t, will you?” – as this could make some men feel cornered. Instead, throw out an open- ended question like “That woman at the party last night seemed interested in you. What did you think of her?” or “Do you think David likes me?” His response should give you a sense of how he feels about other women – and about other men hitting on you. GOOD SIGN If he says: “No way! I wouldn’t want to irt with any other girl. Why should I?” BAD SIGN If he replies curtly with “What do you mean? Get off my back” or “That girl at the party was sexy, and yeah, David was all over you. Great night, eh?”

STAGE 3

“you’re the only girl who’s met my parents”

Both of you believe there’s something different about this relationship, and you feel or do things you’ve never felt or done before – such as going on a holiday together or meeting his folks. IS HE ON THE SAME PAGE? When he suggests doing certain things together, such as going on a trip, casually ask if it’s a rst for him. Or, if he brings you home to meet his folks, jokingly ask: “Do your parents usually interrogate the girls you bring home?” His responses should tell you if you’re the rst one he’s celebrating such milestones with. GOOD SIGN When he goes, “Actually, I’ve never brought a girl home to meet my folks before...” BAD SIGN “Yeah, my parents have met all my exes. It’s no big deal.”