Yes, I think I really can have it all
Her World Tribe member Shireena Shroff Manchharam ponders if work-life balance can exist for mums.
“I want it all.” “I feel guilty.” “I have it all.” “I can’t do it all.” Can working mothers effortlessly balance the motherhood see-saw while fulfilling career aspirations? Is “having it all” a mindset, and do we lie to ourselves thinking we have everything under control, while ignoring the ever-present guilt and anxiety? Do some mothers have it easier, sacrificing one side of the see-saw for the other?
CAN WOMEN HAVE IT ALL?
As a maternity coach who supports mothers making the transition back to work, one of the most common aspirations I hear from working mothers is the desire to balance motherhood, and finding joy and eradicating guilt while progressing in their careers.
Women feel so pressured by the notion that they must do it all, and consequently get asked if they indeed have it all. Spouses, friends, colleagues, and family all look towards mothers as not only the guiding light for their children’s upbringing, but also as employees and breadwinners who commit to work and financially help support the home.
As mothers, our role in our children’s lives doesn’t have an expiry date – we are mothers for the entirety of our lives, but our careers do have a shelf life. We want to maximise the years where we can dedicate ourselves to our roles, which gives us a sense of satisfaction and purpose, and ultimately increases confidence and well-being.
But the line gets blurry when we feel the constant need to excel in the dual roles of working woman and mother. Our societal definition of having it all means shining and excelling relentlessly in both areas, but truthfully, that’s hard to do.
Where does this pressure come from, and how can we define “having it all” for ourselves in a way that removes the unrealistic perfection, to create a more holistic and peaceful definition?
DON’T BE AFRAID TO EMBRACE IMPERFECTION
If someone were to ask me if I had it all, I would agree wholeheartedly. That’s because I am a proud “imperfectionist”. I know I make mistakes in both areas of working and motherhood.
The reality is that these mistakes can be learning opportunities. No one is perfect all the time, and it’s normal to slip into stress and worry sometimes. I would rather maintain a healthy mental outlook and embrace the teetering see-saw. If we strive for a perfect equilibrium all the time, chances are, something has to be sacrificed.
I see many burnt-out working mothers who perhaps need to shift their mindset into embracing a little imperfection. Maybe you didn’t know your child’s homework assignment, or you didn’t organise that play date last week, but it’s not the end of the world. Children are resilient, and explaining the reality of your role as a mother and working woman is honest and genuine.
I encourage mothers to explain to their children that working makes us feel good, and even though they are the centre of our universe, we also have our own purpose, which impacts how we choose to spend our days. It’s important to change the narrative to explain that working not only provides a financial benefit to their lives, but also benefits you as a woman.
When we drop the ball and negatively label ourselves as failures, we run the risk of constantly feeling like we aren’t good enough. If we teach our children that we must get everything right, we create a dangerous narrative for the rest of their lives. Life isn’t perfect, and we don’t always get it right, but we are constantly trying to do our best.
MOVE WITH THE SEE-SAW
There are precious moments in life that may require you to be a dedicated loving mother. You may also have days where you are a stellar working woman. Let the see-saw move, and start making your own clear definition of what it truly means to have it all.
To me, having it all is health, happiness, and knowing that I’m trying my best. And if things fall out of place, I dust myself off, try again, and keep going. The motherhood see-saw is powered by resilience and flexibility, so embrace your reality, share it with your family, and know that you certainly have it all.
Shireena Shroff Manchharam is the founder and principal consultant of Sheens Image Consulting, as well as the founder and creator of Getting to Happy, a mental health movement to inspire our community and society to live happier, more mindful lives.