5 REA­SONS WHY SHE'LL CHEAT ON YOU

IF YOUR RE­LA­TION­SHIP IS IN A BAD PLACE, IT MIGHT NOT TAKE MUCH TO PUSH HER INTO AN­OTHER BED.

Men's Health (Singapore) - - FRONT PAGE -

The Ash­ley Madi­son hack and scan­dal gave men a false sense of se­cu­rity. Once the cur­tain was pulled back, it very much ap­peared that mil­lions of men were chas­ing, like, one will­ing woman.

How so?

The hack ex­posed mil­lions of email ad­dresses, most of which re­port­edly be­longed to men.

And the hot women they were anx­iously chat­ting with? Many may have been fic­tional per­sonas cre­ated by the com­pany. Ac­cord­ing to the Bri­tish tabloid Daily Mail, 40,000 women on the site shared the same six email ad­dresses. Ash­ley Madi­son de­nied the claim, of course.

But don’t let your guard down.

Of course women cheat—19 per­cent of them, says Kris­ten Mark, Ph.D., a sex­u­al­ity re­searcher. They just may not cheat for the same rea­sons you do. And they’re not dumb enough to put per­sonal info on the world’s largest cheat­ing web­site.

If your re­la­tion­ship is al­ready fal­ter­ing, here are five rea­sons she could end up in an­other man’s bed.

WHY SHE CHEATS: HER AGE

Mar­sha, a par­ale­gal in Bos­ton, was ev­ery­thing a man could want in a wife: She was beau­ti­ful, in­tel­li­gent, and funny, not to men­tion lim­ber be­cause of her devo­tion to yoga.

But then, as her 40th birth­day drew near, she slept with her in­struc­tor.

“She felt her looks were fad­ing,” says mar­riage ther­a­pist Paul Hoke­meyer, Ph.D. “The af­fair made her feel more de­sir­able.”

Yes, fine, but ev­ery year mil­lions of peo­ple get older with­out get­ting busy with the teacher af­ter yoga class. So why is Mar­sha any dif­fer­ent?

One the­ory: A 2014 study sug­gests we sub­con­sciously at­tach sig­nif­i­cance to “ni­neen­der” years.

When we’re a year away from the odome­ter rolling over, we be­come more aware of the pas­sage of time and youth, and we may do stupid things be­cause we think the clock is run­ning out.

What to Do About It

Fill up your cal­en­dar. Re­flect­ing on what we have or haven’t achieved over the past decade can lead to bleak thoughts, says qual­ity-of-life re­searcher Michael Ste­ger, Ph.D.

So, be the man who makes things hap­pen.

“If travel is im­por­tant, you might plan a birth­day trip that sat­is­fies shared goals—like Hawaii if you’ve both wanted to try hik­ing a vol­cano.” Bonus: When her mind’s on molten lava, the last thing she’ll be think­ing about is her yoga in­struc­tor.

WHY SHE CHEATS: THE MONEY

Emily, 35, had ev­ery rea­son to be fu­ri­ous with her hus­band. Af­ter she’d made a few too many pur­chases on her debit card, he cut up the plas­tic in front of her in a hu­mil­i­at­ing power play.

“I had to tell him where I was go­ing and he would give me a spend­ing limit,” she says.

The nice way to de­scribe this: He was try­ing his best to keep the bud­get in check— and stepped about five miles over the line.

Prob­lem is, ex­ert­ing too much fi­nan­cial con­trol, es­pe­cially when you do it like a con­de­scend­ing jerk, breeds ma­jor-league re­sent­ment and can push your part­ner to seek pay­back, Hoke­meyer says.

And that’s ex­actly what Emily did.

“A few months af­ter that in­ci­dent,” she says, “I slept with my high school boyfriend.”

What to Do About It

Don’t seize con­trol or point fin­gers.

In­stead, share the fi­nan­cial re­spon­si­bil­ity by us­ing a bud­get­ing app like Mint, which no­ti­fies both of you as spend­ing lim­its draw near.

This way you’re both ac­count­able for the money go­ing into and com­ing out of your ac­count.

WHY SHE CHEATS: SHE’S EX­PECT­ING A PRINCE

You would hope your wife un­der­stands that per­fect men don’t ex­ist.

But then there’s “Kyle.” He writes po­ems and sends flow­ers, and he seems so sen­si­tive.

Guys like Kyle make women like Sarah, a 30-year-old den­tist in North Carolina, sec­ond-guess their mar­riages. When peo­ple ex­pect per­fec­tion in a part­ner, it usu­ally sets them up for longterm dis­ap­point­ment. That nugget of ob­vi­ous wis­dom came from a 2014 study pub­lished in the Jour­nal of Ex­per­i­men­tal So­cial Psy­chol­ogy.

“He made my hus­band pale in com­par­i­son,” Sarah says. “I slept with him be­cause I was con­vinced he could fill the voids in my life.”

Well, Kyle filled at least one of those voids, and shortly there­after, Sarah and her hus­band landed in di­vorce court.

What to Do About It

You can’t be ev­ery­thing she wants, and you have to be okay with that—and so does she.

But you can be­come a lit­tle bet­ter than you are.

The next time you two are squab­bling, try this trick: “Fights tend to take place in the past or in the present,” says Jay Heinrichs, au­thor of Thank You for Ar­gu­ing.

So switch to fu­ture tense in­stead.

“If you’re fight­ing about who makes din­ner, say, ‘I’ll set up a cook­ing sched­ule if you’ll agree to eat eggs for din­ner,’” he says.

You’ll never be Prince Charm­ing, but at least you’re of­fer­ing to cook the oc­ca­sional omelet.

WHY SHE CHEATS: SHE WANTS TO BE BAD

When her mar­riage be­gan to fray, Ali, a 25-year-old mar­ket­ing as­sis­tant, found her­self in bed with the kind of rough­neck guy she’d al­ways avoided.

“When I met him, it seemed in­evitable that we’d have sex,” she says.

Whaaaat? Why do smart women con­sider jump­ing into bed with knuckle-drag­ging thugs? Re­searchers call this

FIGHTS TEND TO TAKE PLACE IN THE PAST OR IN THE PRESENT, SAYS JAY HEINRICHS, AU­THOR OF THANK YOU FOR AR­GU­ING. SO SWITCH TO FU­TURE TENSE IN­STEAD.

phe­nom­e­non the “ovu­la­tory shift hy­poth­e­sis.”

Dur­ing peak fer­til­ity—when ovaries are primed to do the dirty mambo—a ra­tio­nal woman may find her­self at­tracted to men she’d be ter­ri­fied to see in a dark al­ley, says Vinita Me­hta, Ph.D., the au­thor of an up­com­ing book on dat­ing and re­la­tion­ships.

It’s not nec­es­sar­ily her fault; it’s our old-school sur­vival in­stincts.

Mas­cu­line genes in­crease the chances that kids will have a sturdy con­sti­tu­tion to sur­vive.

Worse, Me­hta says, re­search shows that her im­pulse to stray be­comes even stronger if you’re less phys­i­cally at­trac­tive by con­ven­tional stan­dards.

What to Do About It

Ap­peal to a more evolved in­stinct: her brain.

Strength isn’t just about brawn. Demon­strate that you’re ed­u­cated, suc­cess­ful, self-re­liant, and com­mit­men­to­ri­ented.

Me­hta sug­gests find­ing more mod­ern ways to dis­play your plumage. Try shar­ing ex­pe­ri­ences that show your strengths—the the­ater, a mu­seum, a trail hike.

She might think twice about putting her re­la­tion­ship at fur­ther risk with a one-night stand.

SHE CHEATS: SHE JUST WANTS MORE

Who doesn’t want to be the guy who can’t go out in pub­lic with­out his wife lean­ing over and whis­per­ing, “I’m not wear­ing panties. Let’s go see if we can find an empty closet.”

But some­times, in the real world, crazy sex isn’t ev­ery­thing it’s cracked up to be.

That’s how the trou­ble be­gan for Lisa, a 31-year-old sales­woman. She wanted sex ev­ery night and her boyfriend didn’t.

“He only gave it to me once a week. What’d he ex­pect?” she says of her step­ping out.

Well, for starters, that you wouldn’t cheat on him. But when sex­ual ex­pec­ta­tions don’t match, it can quickly lead to trou­ble.

What to Do About It

The two big­gest rea­sons women cheat, says sex re­searcher Debby Herbenick, Ph.D., are that they feel undesired or unattrac­tive, es­pe­cially as they be­come older.

Sex is one way to fix it, but an­other is to ap­pre­ci­ate her for who she is, not who you want her to be.

Don’t in­sult her with mean­ing­less com­pli­ments. Lis­ten to her and val­i­date who she re­ally is.

THE TWO BIG­GEST REA­SONS WOMEN CHEAT, SAYS SEX RE­SEARCHER DEBBY HERBENICK, PH.D., ARE THAT THEY FEEL UNDESIRED OR UNATTRAC­TIVE, ES­PE­CIALLY AS THEY BE­COME OLDER.

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