THE STRAVA DIARIES

AS MORE AND MORE CYCLISTS SUCCUMB TO STRAVA, THE WEEKEND BIKE RIDE IS BECOMING DANGEROUSLY KOMPETITIVE.

DEAR DIARY DO YOU SPEAK STRAVA? RE:

I went for a ride with some mates, but at our post-ride coffee things went decidedly quiet as everyone nosedived into their phones.

“Awesome,” said Iceman when he eventually came up for air. “I got a PR for Goose’s Pull.”

“Nice!” replied Moose – and then puffed out his chest, and said, “But my boy 5As has the KOM for Kyalami.”

I was lost in translation, as the conversation became littered with KOMs, kudos, cups, segments and PRs. WTF?

HOWZIT DIARY LOSING MY STRAVARGINITY RE:

If you can’t beat ’em… at least get some PRs of your own. I’ve signed up to Strava. It’s a great training motivator, as you have to face your greatest rival – yourself.

I don’t think I’ll become a Stravaholic though. But it would be amazing to get a KOM of my very own.

YO, DIARY! 'APPY DAYS ARE 'ERE AGAIN RE:

I have a KOM! I wrested the 1km stretch of Kyalami from 5As. I’m also KOM of ‘Under The Tunnel’ – although I’m not quite sure where that is. But I’m a legend on the Strava app.

WHATEVS, DIARY RE CR'APPY DAYS ARE HERE AGAIN

5As took the KOM back. Oh well. At least I’ve got Under The Tunnel.

DEAR DIARY EASY KOM EASY GO RE:

Someone flagged my Under The Tunnel KOM. “There might have been a mistake,” Strava informed me. Mistake? I don’t think so. I bet it was Moose who flagged me. This was no mistake – it was a Moose-take.

OH DEAR, DIARY… THANKS FOR NOTHING! RE:

I returned from a ride when Dave phoned to ask if I’d ride with him. I had a performance assessment meeting scheduled with my boss, but I said yes to Dave because it would look so good on Strava. When I got home, there was an email requesting me to report to HR first thing in the morning.

YO DIARY BUSTED RE:

I’d agreed to ride with Rich, but then Caroline asked me to ride with her. I like Rich, but I chose to ride with Caroline ( because girl). I sent Rich a message to tell him something had come up, and could we reschedule for another time.

But I’d forgotten Rich follows me on Strava. And when he saw I’d dumped him for Caroline, he left this comment on my ride: “Oh, so ‘something came up’? I think I can guess what ‘came up’.”

Caroline has unfollowed me.

DEAR DIARY STRAVA IS FAKE NEWS RE:

There was fire in my chest. My legs were in their happy place. I hammered. I shunted. I shred. I was going to get soooo many PRs. There would be kudos galore. I heard ‘Chariots of Fire’ as I flowed down the singletrack at breakneck speed. It was going to be a cup frenzy – an ex-Strava-ganza.

But when I uploaded my ride, I discovered it was like Orlando Pirates’ current season: cupless.

The only logical explanation is that my ex has landed a job at Strava, and is manipulating my stats.

ACHTUNG, TAGEBUCH! RE: DO YOU KNOW A LITTLE GERMAN?

I had a brilliant idea to help me implement my dream of world KOM domination. I thought it would be a great motivator to have my own cheerleader, encouraging me to go faster. So I fiddled with my Strava settings.

I was happily cruising along later, when all of a sudden a woman started yelling at me: “Schnell! Schneller! JAWOHL!!!!!!” The mood was totally ruined...

There was fire in my chest. My legs were in their happy place. I hammered. I shunted. I shred. I was going to get soooo many PRs.