GETTING DRESSED
We could write an entire article on dress codes in cycling, but let’s keep it simple here:
PRO-WORSHIP KIT IS IN – go for it! Even team kit that clashes with your bike brand.
WORLD-CHAMPIONSHIP KIT – if your name isn’t Mads, Annemiek, Nino or Pauline – should be autographed and framed. (Alan gets a special e-dispensation.)
SOCKS MUST BE… whatever length you feel comfortable with. Don’t let the fashion police tell you otherwise: It. Really. Doesn’t. Matter. (Unless, of course, you want to ride in knee-length compression socks. Then it matters tremendously.) But plain socks are a sign of cycling maturity; there is no shame in anonymity.
SUNGLASSES GO OVER HELMET STRAPS, not under. Always.
CASQUETTES ARE COOL, even under a helmet, and they trump Buffs and sweatbands by some margin. Peak up. Unless it’s raining or sunny, in which case your cap becomes practical rather than fashionable. One from the 70s or 80s tops the cool list, one with your name on possibly not.
SHORTS MUST COVER ONLY THREEQUARTERS OF YOUR THIGH – just past your hamstring. This not only gives the best look, but preserves the integrity of the tan line, which needs to pop from your cargo shorts as a reminder to all that you would rather be on your bike.
POCKETS. You have three, and they must be packed appropriately: bulk in the middle (jackets, the bread you picked up on the way home), phone on the left, keys on the right. That is all you need to carry (but see ‘Saddle Bags’, later in this article).
HELMETS. Wear what you want. Before you ask: if (and only if ) you are in the final 200m of a Tour de France stage, then yes; you may wear an aero helmet.
GLOVES. Never on the road, always on dirt, and then full-finger (especially in summer, when sweaty fingers slip from brake levers). “But what if I crash?” Go down with the ship; the longer you keep your hands on the bars, the greater the chance of a miraculous rescue. Scars belong on the outsides of your hands.
SLEEVELESS CYCLING TOPS ARE OKAY. No they aren’t! No, no, no. We all wore them in the 2005 Epic, and have had to burn the evidence. They’re just plain horrid.