How a frantic month of diplomacy looked from Down Under
Japan (early May): OK guys, we want a big showing at Hiroshima. Russia’s too big in the G20 (Group of 20), Asian issues don’t get enough of an airing at the G7 (Group of Seven), and we want to show that the leading multinational bloc can focus on other, non-Ukraine issues.
Hey, India, Brazil, South Korea, Australia, Vietnam, Indonesia, AU chair Comoros and Pacific Islands Forum chair Cook Islands, why don’t you come to Hiroshima too? After all, today’s Ukraine could be tomorrow’s East Asia.
Ukraine (President Volodymyr Zelensky): Hey, I’ll drop in too! We can talk about F16 fighter jets.
Japan: Er, OK, sure.
Australia: Let’s have a Quad security group meeting as well! Come to Sydney!
China: This is not a good idea.
US (President Joe Biden): Cool!
Papua New Guinea: You can come here on the way to discuss Pacific security. You’ll be the first sitting American president to visit a Pacific island!
US (Biden): I’m coming!
Australia: Biden’s coming!
US (Republicans): Two words, Joe: “debt” and “ceiling”.
US (Biden): I’m not coming. Let’s grab some quality Quad time in a room in Tokyo instead.
Australia: Bummer.
India: Hey, we’ll still come — both to PNG and Sydney. The whole nonaligned movement thing is so 1983. Multialignment sounds better, don’t you think?
China: We’re still your friend, Australia. How about we drop export barriers on your timber? Want to come to Beijing, (prime minister Anthony) Albanese? How about we pencil in a face-toface?
US (Biden): Hey guys, since I can’t come I’ll send (Antony) Blinken — my B-Team, as I like to call him — down your Pacific way in my place just after the G7. We ’ re all good, yeah?
China: We’ll have our own summit, a new one. We’ll call it the Central Asia summit. Kazakhstan, Kyrgyzstan, Tajikistan, Turkmenistan and Uzbekistan, why don’t you come and hang out in Xian for a couple of days? We can talk trade. After all, we’ve shared the Silk Road for 1,000 years.
Russia (mumbling): Hey, those are our friends ...
G7 (last weekend): Cool it Vlad, won’t you? We’re not breaking up with you, China, we just want to set some boundaries going forward.
China: Stop suppressing other countries. Oh, and we’ll ban US-made Micron semiconductors as we think they’re a risk to security.
India: Yes, we should definitely find a resolution to the Ukraine conflict.
G7: Great, will you also put sanctions on Russia?
India: Sorry, missed that — did you ask if we want a UN Security Council seat?
G7: And we’re going to decarbonise!
World: Great! Will you set a deadline for phasing out gas and coal?
Japan and Germany: No way!
G7: We love you in the Global South and we don’t want you to mix with the wrong crowd (side-eyes China and Russia).
India: We love you too, but actions speak louder than words. See you at the G20 in New Delhi. That’s in September, after our state visit to the US in June. Oh, and our state visit to France in July. Now, about that Security Council seat ...
China: Well, that was an antiChina workshop.
India: Oh, and we’ve got a preliminary G20 meeting on tourism next week in Kashmir.
China: Kashmir? The Kashmir that is our territory! You’ve got to be kidding!
Pakistan: (Spits out coffee)
Papua New Guinea (Prime Minister James Marape), last week: Welcome, Prime Minister (Narendra) Modi. You are the leader of the Global South. You show those bignoting themselves in the Global North who’s boss! Go tell the world to take action on rising sea levels. We’ve got your back.
Cook Islands, Fiji, Kiribati, Republic of Marshall Islands, Micronesia, Nauru, Niue, Palau, Samoa, Solomon Islands, Tonga, Tuvalu and Vanuatu: What he said.
US (B-Team): Yo! Papua New Guinea! How about a security treaty? We’ve been thinking it’d be great to spend some more quality time out here in the region.
China: Hey guys, don’t play geopolitical games!
Papua New Guinea: It’s all good. This has nothing to do with China.
US: And y’all should come up to DC for a US-Pacific Islands Forum later this year.
India (Modi): Namaste, Australia. We’re bigger than China now. You know that, right? Oh, and we want 30% of new car sales to be electric vehicles by 2030. We like mining — how about some of that lithium?
Australia: Should we be concerned about India’s human rights record — with Muslims, press freedoms and opposition politicians?
Australia (Albanese): This is better than a Springsteen concert. Modi is the boss!