Path to creating a bully can be paved with good intentions
ADMIT it! You’ve watched and wondered: Is my child a bully? Not all the time. Not most of the time. But some of the time.
You’ve heard all the usual talk about what causes bullying – overly permissive parenting, violent video games, abuse. What might surprise you is how even the most well-intentioned parents are unknowingly sabotaging their efforts to raise kind, caring children.
Bullying starts and ends with an imbalance of power. Too much or too little, the results are often the same: Bullying behaviour is simply a means to gain more power. Here are eight ways you may be unknowingly encouraging bullying.
1. Gossiping
Want to raise a mean girl? Act like one. If you wouldn’t include your child in a conversation, you shouldn’t have it within earshot of them. Children hear everything. Do your best to shut off your inner gossip, especially in front of your children.
2. Not showing you care
Relationships have their ups and downs, with the direction often being down after children enter the picture. When was the last time you told your partner or family members that you loved them? In front of your children? Positive displays of intimacy in the home are the basis for our kids’ relationships. A simple hug and kiss for each family member on the way out the door in the morning is a great start. Show them you care, so they can show others they care.
3. The “I hate mys”
You hate your job. Those last few kilos you struggle to lose, or dealing with that messy house, or frizzy hair – your attitude reflects how you view the world. And when we act like we can’t change the outcome, we act helpless. How you feel about life has a long-lasting impact on your children. They hear their hero (you) act helpless and that will make them feel powerless too. Save the negative talk for after the children go to bed.
4. Mini-me syndrome
Children today are ever more mature at an ever younger age. Current culture encourages us to treat our kids like miniadults. But we forget that we are adults and most of us took decades to be able to even partially manage all this stress. Fully disclosing financial burdens, family illnesses, and work issues all the time just adds layers to our children’s stress.
5. Keeping them too busy
We are scared our children will be at a disadvantage if they don’t participate in everything. So we rush to register them for ballet, karate, football, and so much more. But the only thing they miss out on if they have a slower schedule is anxiety and depression.
If your child has a passion, by all means allow them the opportunity to explore it in more depth. But children need unstructured free time. Play time, creative time, quiet time. Over-scheduling quickly leads to stressed children. Stress leads to anxiety, anger, and aggression.
6. Inconsistent rule enforcement
The last thing you want to do after a long day of pick-ups, drop-offs, work and errands is deal with rule-breakers, timeouts and temper tantrums. So try to choose to enforce as few rules as possible. But we enforce those few rules all the time. Inside those boundaries lies freedom. Lay the ground rules, enforce them, and give your children permission to be themselves within those boundaries. They’ll feel a healthy sense of power and independence, and they won’t feel the need to bully.
7. The triple play: wincing, waiting, watching
Bullying happens at every age. Every time you watch someone or something happen that you could help prevent with word or action, you are a peer to bullying. You are allowing it to continue through inaction. Remember your child is learning how to react to life through your actions. Make what you do count!
8. Forcing kids to share
Sharing is a learnt skill that takes time, maturity and encouragement to develop fully. Ripping a toy out of your kid’s hand to give it to another kid? Bad idea. Talk about sharing, encourage sharing, but most importantly – teach sharing. Offer to loan your child something he’s been wanting to explore. Offer to help with a difficult chore. Forced sharing only results in a feeling of powerlessness.
In summary, be the person your child wants you to be, so your child can be the person you want them to be. – The Washington Post