6 ways to put joy back into family dinners
It’s hard to put a meal on the table for the family amid the chaos of daily life. Aviva Goldfarb gives tips for getting the most out of it
E’VE all read, or at least heard, about the correlation between family suppers and the improved physical and emotional health of our children, better grades and social skills, and avoidance or delay in risky behaviour like drugs, alcohol and early sexual activity.
But if your daughter flees the table in tears during an argument, or if your son shuts down when he feels he’s being criticised, or if you want to scream because your kids (or spouse) reject a meal you prepared, the benefits of the shared meal can seem unattainable.
But what I’ve also observed is that it’s not just about the food: there are interactions between parents and kids that can detract from the potential upsides of eating together.
When our oldest was in his last year of high school, we were eager to learn more about where he was thinking of applying to university and how far he had got. Since we were all running in different directions during the day, my husband and I saw supper time as the perfect opportunity to ask him about this. But Solomon is an independent guy and he wanted to manage the process his own way and on his own timeline.
Raising the issue at supper proved to be a quick and reliable way to cut it short or stunt conversation. Once we took that topic off the table, Solomon relaxed, knowing that the salmon was the only thing at the table that would be grilled.
In thinking back over 18 years of family meals (or more than 4 000 suppers together), I’ve examined what has separated the suppers where we felt really connected from the ones that made us all want to bolt from the table.
Through my work I have also spoken to many other families and have discovered that there are six ways to suck the joy right out of family suppers:
Raising stressful topics
Tempting as it may be to take the opportunity to talk about your child’s marks or study habits, the supper table isn’t the place to do it if you want your family members to see it as a place where they want to spend time.
“I do think children are entitled to have family suppertime be free of unpleasant or uncomfortable topics, free of nagging and critical attention,” says educationalist Susan Jones.
Instead: Save important topics for car rides or set aside 30 minutes each week for a family meeting to go over schedules and talk about difficult topics.
Manners overload
It’s a dilemma. The supper table is the obvious place to teach our kids table manners. On the other hand, teaching manners can easily turn into non-stop nagging that makes your little cave-kid feel criticised.
“Constant micromanaging (use your napkin, don’t put your cup there, sit closer to the table) ruins the joy of supper. Yes, teaching kids manners is important, but barking orders at them through every meal is annoying,” according to mom Gail Norris.
Instead: Decide together on one table manner the family will focus on each week (adults too).
Give a gentle reminder before the meal begins and direct positive statements at family members who are doing well with chewing with their mouth closed, not interrupting, or using utensils rather than fingers.
Complaining about the food
Negativity is a joy-killer, especially when it’s about the food we serve. When our children were little, I would get upset when they said they didn’t like what I made or refused to try it, because I felt like my efforts were unappreciated.
“When one of the kids suddenly declares they don’t like a meal they have liked in the past, it totally takes the wind out of my sails,” says mother Renée Barratt.
Instead: Teach your family to express gratitude even if the meal isn’t what they would have chosen. After I expressed hurt feelings, our kids came up with a new saying: “Mom, I know you worked hard on it, but it’s not my favourite.” Even though it was contrived, somehow it made me feel better and did teach them to be more considerate.
Getting family members to be responsible for one supper a week can also help them appreciate the effort that goes into making supper happen.
What others are eating
I know, it’s so hard to resist asking kids to have one more bite of broccoli. But I’ve come to believe that focusing on what or how much anyone else is eating is the dullest form of conversation, raises our blood pressure, is ineffective or even counter-productive, and if done repeatedly may lead to eating disorders.
Instead: Model healthy eating yourself, and direct your cooking efforts toward foods you feel better about serving. “When the kids were small, the joy-sucker was me caring what they ate. Once I learnt to put only those things that I wanted them to eat on the plate – veggies for the first course, the proteins after that, carbs last – then the problem pretty much resolved itself,” says Beth Kevles.
Using phones or devices
Sometimes it seems like the supper table is – or can be – the last bastion of our day that doesn’t revolve around a screen. But when someone furtively texts or Snapchats under the table or pays more attention to their devices than their supper companions, the potential human connections are severed.
Instead: Ban all devices from the table, except for rare cases (eg, when a favourite team is in the finals, when looking up a nugget of information would enhance a discussion, or other agreed-upon family exceptions). Cheater does the dishes!
Late arrivals
Whether you spend 15 minutes or an hour preparing it, it hurts when family members don’t come to the table while the food is hot or if they race off while others are still eating.
“Despite multiple warnings that supper is almost ready, everyone disappears when I put the food on the table – to make a drink, go to the bathroom, finish up on the computer, etc. It drives me crazy when food is going cold after all that work!” fumes Lis Stevenson.
Instead: Enlist family members’ help in meal preparation and table setting so they appreciate the work that goes into making supper happen, and explain why it’s important to you that people gather while the meal is fresh. Give one fiveminute supper warning by voice or text. The person who is still late gets to clear the whole table.
When it’s a place of calm rather than conflict, supper can be the ideal time to learn social and conversational skills, such as listening to others and taking turns. Shared meals can also be one of the most natural settings to learn more about the details of each others’ lives and share stories from our day or ponder life’s questions, big or small.
One way to make supper nourishing for the spirit as well as the body is to find ways to express and experience gratitude before the meal, whether it’s a moment of silence and a few deep breaths, prayer, or sharing something for which we each are thankful. After supper we can extend the gratitude by thanking the “chef ” and helping with the clean-up.
When we focus on being grateful and considerate, and eliminate the joy-killers, we stand a better chance of reaping the rewards of family supper. – The Washington Post
Make supper nourishing for the spirit as well as the body by finding ways to feel and express gratitude