The difficult mother, son, daughter-in-law love triangle

THEY may be mummy’s boys when growing up, but after getting married men seem to side with their wife – much to the disapproval of mother.

A Cambridge University study found that parents are more likely to lose contact with their sons than their daughters after they marry. And tensions with the daughter-in-law were a major source of discord, according to the research.

One respondent said: “My son and I had a very strong, loving relationship for 25 years. He met his soon-to-be wife and our relationship slowly went away. Everyone that knew him, including his friends and family, saw this and felt this. He disowned everyone that does not like his new wife.”

About 25 percent of parents who were estranged from a son cited his marriage as a factor – and a similar number blamed issues relating to their daughter-in-law. In contrast, only 14 percent of those who had fallen out with a daughter thought her husband had played a role.

It is unclear why parents, especially mothers, find it so difficult to get on with their daughter-in-law. It may be that mothers struggle to accept that their son has another woman in his life. This unwillingness to let go could lead to their daughter-in-law feeling they are interfering in the marriage.

Alternatively, men may be more likely than women to need only one close emotional bond, meaning mothers are left out in the cold when a wife appears on the scene.

The research, done in conjunction with estrangement charity Stand Alone, surveyed more than 800 people who were estranged from a family member.

It found that rifts were more likely to be instigated by adult children than by their parents, with the danger-time coming when children were in their late 20s and early 30s.

Fallings out between parents and sons lasted longer than those with daughters. Some families had gone eight years without speaking, and most of those estranged from a parent felt the relationship could never be mended.

Dr Pam Spurr, a relationship expert and agony aunt, said: “In my experience, mothers in particular feel the ‘loss’ of a son once he marries or develops a significant relationship. Mothers, and some fathers, report feeling that although their relationship with a daughter changes when she marries, they still retain much of their closeness.” – Daily Mail