I can’t understand what it’s like to be a single mom…
ONENIGHT over cocktails with some momfriends, I sighed and said: “It’s hard being a single mom.”
I’d been complaining about how chaotic it was at home while my husband was away for a week of work training.
Everyone laughed and continued their conversations – except one woman, a friend of a friend I had met that night.
She leaned in, and said softly, without any attitude or resentment in her voice: “Being a single mom isn’t like that. No one comes home after a week.”
I sat there stunned, embarrassed and ashamed. I looked down at her ring finger; it was empty.
She had lost her husband three years ago and was a single mother of two.
My face fell, and I found myself apologising over and over for my insensitive comment. She was understanding – not judgemental or upset.
We then talked about what being a single mother was really about. Or, should I say, she talked and I listened.
She told me about how difficult it is not to have someone to call or bounce ideas off. About how, at the end of the day, she doesn’t get to have a few glasses of wine because she’s the only one there if something happens to her children.
About how she worries about money from the second she wakes up until her exhausted head hits the pillow. And how she has to say no to different activities for her children because she can’t be in two places at once.
She told me she tries not to get upset when people throw around the “single mother” line when their spouses are away for a night or a week, but deep down it does hurt.
Because at the end of the day, she’s not waiting for anyone to come home and ask how her day went. No one will drop their shoes at the door and jump right in with dinner or help the kids with their homework.
Whether it’s a golf weekend my husband goes on, or just a night out with the guys, I’ll often say: “I’m single-parenting tonight.” But I’m really not. I have no idea what that means.
I do understand being offended when someone thinks they understand your life experience but really don’t.
I feel that way when someone tells me they are “basically married” because they live with someone. You can’t understand marriage until you are married. And I can’t understand single-parenting unless I’m a single parent.
When I started acknowledging to this woman how difficult it must be for her, she didn’t want my sympathy. She shook her head and told me to stop. I could see how strong she was, and she wanted to make quite sure I didn’t feel sorry for her.
She simply wanted me to understand the difference between saying something and living it.
After a humbling conversation and the chance to make a new friend, I can honestly say I do. – The Washington Post