Hat pins had their uses, and weren’t love toys

IWAS looking through some old family photograph albums recently and couldn’t help chuckling at some of the ladies’ hats. “What were they for?” I asked an elderly friend who had once been known for her collection of grand hats. “They certainly didn’t provide protection from the sun or even keep your head warm.”

My companion smiled and said: “They provided essential protection to women and it would be a very good thing if women were to start wearing hats again in these dangerous times.”

Hats? Protection? I said I didn’t understand how a silly little felt saucer decorated with silk flowers could provide anything at all, let alone protection.

I didn’t even see how the ridiculous little thing managed to stay on top of a lady’s head.

“That was the secret,” she said. “It required a hatpin to keep it in place and every woman knew what a devastatingly effective weapon a hat-pin could be.”

Speak to almost any woman and she will tell of occasions when men have made unwanted advances.

Uncles, cousins, family friends or complete strangers – it seems most men feel it acceptable to come on strong at some time.

US President Donald Trump admitted he liked to cop a feel when he was close to an attractive woman, and some of our leaders have made it quite clear they feel no shame about a little light molestation when the opportunity arises.

And if the world’s leaders find it acceptable, why should the rest of the male population be any different? But, as my companion pointed out, a woman armed with a hat-pin was a formidable target.

I was told about predatory men in cinemas who sidled over and allowed a rogue hand to stay across the seat, or posh aristocratic men who were seated beside you at the banqueting table and managed a surreptitious fiddle under the white damask cloth when they thought nobody would notice.

In each case it was a simple matter to reach up unobtrusively, slide the hat-pin out of the hat and jab it into the straying hand.

I was assured the tactic was 100% effective and sometimes resulted in significant loss of blood. (And always in a serious loss of dignity.)

The attack ceased instantly and was never mentioned again.

So, after reading the newspaper headlines that mention attacks on women on an almost daily basis, maybe we should consider it time for women’s hats to come back into fashion.

Or just hat-pins. They’re great self-defence weapons and require no licences.

Last Laugh

Young Jimmy grew up on a farm and didn’t have much contact with other people so he became painfully shy. One day a family came to stay with them on holiday and Jimmy fell hopelessly in love with their pretty daughter, but he didn’t know how to tell her how he felt about her.

One afternoon the two of them were leaning on the kraal wall watching a herd of cows when the bull sidled across and started licking the nose of one of the heifers.

Jimmy looked shyly at the girl at his side and said: “I wouldn’t mind doing that.” “Well, why don’t you?” she said. “After all, it’s your cow.”