Art to compiling fart statistics smells bit dodgy

IWAS interested to read that scientists are looking at ways to make cows less flatulent. According to available statistics, farting and belching animals account for about 14% of the world’s methane gas, which is about the same as the world’s transport systems. If you add up the exhaust emissions from cars and cows you get about a third of the greenhouse gases that are apparently responsible for all climate change.

But it’s not just cows that are responsible for this methane gas. All ruminants – buffaloes, goats, sheep, giraffes and gnus – turn grass into methane gas.

It’s not just in the hamburger-guzzling nations like the US, either. India uses oxen as transport, and goats and cows for milk and meat production, so they produce a substantial cloud of methane.

I suppose humans produce a fair share of flatulent output too, but politely.

A niece who lives in the US, once told me you could buy a product called (I think) Beano, which is very popular among baked bean enthusiasts. She said you simply added it to your bean recipes and parties became quite polite affairs.

I’m not sure whether it’s logistically feasible to add Beano to the diets of 20 million Indian cattle or 10 million Australian sheep, but I’m sure the scientists are working on it.

What interesting lives the world’s scientists lead! First of all, how do you collect and measure a cow’s methane output? Bear in mind that ruminants produce gas at both ends. They’re big burpers too.

I suppose you’d have to design an entire gas-tight environment for the test cow, while allowing enough oxygen to enter so the animal can breathe.

That’s the trouble with newspaper stories. You read a simple little story about the problem of controlling cow farts, then you start to wonder how they actually came to those conclusions.

After reading about the problem, I lie in bed at night mentally designing emission traps for buffalo farts and measuring-devices for goat belches.

I also try to imagine how any scientist would end up working in this very challenging field. How does one become an international authority on flatulence? Do people all over the world come to you for advice?

“Dear Professor, what diet or method can you recommend to reduce the methane output of Winston, my bulldog? I tried using a Champagne cork but it popped out after Winston’s dinner and broke a mirror. Will this mean seven years’ bad luck for Winston, or for me. Yours faithfully.…”

Last Laugh

A visitor to a museum was fascinated by the collection of fossilised dinosaur bones on display. When one of the attendants stopped nearby the visitor asked: “How old do you think these bones are?”

The official answered promptly: “They are 10 million and three years old, sir.” “Gosh, “said the visitor, “how can you be so exact?” “Well, when I started working here I was told those bones were 10 million years old, and I’ve been here for three years.”