Children need to be seen and heard

THE saying “children should be seen and not heard” is a damaging relic from centuries of ignorance about how to raise children. It should be banished if we wish to see our children flourish.

A 13-year-old came in with her mother to see me. She had a pleasant smile so I assumed the visit was for something minor. I was taken aback when she said she came because issues were bothering her.

Children and adolescents generally never speak about what’s bothering them for various reasons, which include fearing that no one will listen to them, not knowing how to express themselves, fearing parents might scold them, and because they don’t trust adults.

Children bottle issues up and, if they are too big to handle, they complain of all type of symptoms – like headaches and stomach aches. If the issue lingers for too long, it affects their school work or behaviour. These children might behave oddly or display temper tantrums.

This young child mentioned that she had a headache. It aroused my suspicion that there was another reason for the visit. When I asked her whether anything troubled her, she very coyly mentioned that she had some issues.

She felt her mother did not give her as much attention as she did her two nieces, and that her mother didn’t love her.

The mother, a single divorced parent, had the huge responsibility of taking care of her late sister’s two very young children.

I explained to the girl that she might be misinterpreting her mother’s actions.

I know, from experience, the dilemma of mothers who have to divide time and love according the needs of their children. It is not easy when there are children with special needs, like mentally challenged children and, of late, children on drugs.

I explained to the child, as best as I could, about her mother’s moral obligation to raise her late aunt’s children, and that little ones needed more time than older children.

I stressed to her that because her mother spends more time on them, she should not feel her mother loves her any less. She understood and felt better after I explained the challenges her mother faced, being a single parent.

On a follow-up visit, the girl looked more at ease. She mentioned an incident when she was 7. Her dad, who stayed with the family at the time, was very drunk one night and insisted she stop watching TV and go to bed.

She told him that she would do so after the episode finished. But the dad ignored her pleas and, in front of her older brother and mother, dragged her by the scruff of the neck to her room; she was screaming.

She was most upset that neither her brother nor her mother intervened. The mother intervened only when her dad pulled out a gun.

I explained to the child that her mother risked her life when she confronted her drunk and armed husband. I made her understand that mothers, out of love, will risk their own lives to save their children from danger.

The child felt reassured because she could understand the dynamics at play at the time, that is: he could have killed all of them.

I called the mother in to explain what had bugged her child for so long. She was in tears as she recalled that horrid moment and admitted that she was afraid, because she knew how dangerous her then husband could be when under the influence.

Children, through their immaturity, say some of the most hurtful things to parents, who love them dearly.

It is not easy to get through to children if they have made up their minds that you don’t love them.

Failure to address issues affecting children often leads to them becoming depressed, dropping out of school and even turning to drugs. Children must be given an opportunity to be heard to save them from the consequences of pent up emotions in their adult life.