TELKOM, I HAVE YOUR NUMBER!

EVERY week I receive a texted message from Telkom telling me they will be phasing out the existing “fixed copper services” soon and upgrading them to wireless technology.

Apparently this is being done to overcome cable theft and the faults that come with fixed copper services.

As an added incentive to persuade me to change to wireless (do I have an option?) Telkom is offering me a telephone worth R700 free of charge.

Like most South Africans, I am immediately suspicious of anything related to the government – and to “state-owned enterprises” in particular. In our country, “SOE” is almost as dirty a word as “the K word”, for which you can be thrown in jail.

My first reaction to an offer like this is: “Okay, so where’s the catch?” I suppose there are literally millions of kilometres of telephone cable spreading out like a giant spider’s web across the country. Obviously there’s a ready market for cables, or we wouldn’t read such regular and frequent reports of cable theft.

I don’t believe the wire is being stolen to make toy “draadkarretjies” (wire cars) for children. Somebody is paying good money for it. I was told, only half jokingly, that copper wire is one of South Africa’s biggest exports.

I think to myself: “If Telkom is phasing out cable technology, there’s soon going to be a shipload of redundant telephone cable going begging.”

Hundreds of tons of the stuff. Whose is it? Obviously it belongs officially to the South African taxpayers who paid for it all originally.

If Telkom “phases it out”, will we taxpayers have a refund phased into out pickets? I’d say the chance of that happening is smaller than of my being elected president of America.

Who will be paid for all those tons of redundant cable?

If Telkom gathered it all into neat rolls and sold it by public auction, they’d probably be able to pay cash for all those cheap plastic R700 telephones they’re giving to people like me.

Instead, I think we’ll hear very little about what happens to all that surplus cable. But keep your eyes open for any politically connected wheeler-dealers who suddenly appear in public driving very, very expensive luxury cars.

We used to hear regular radio jingles telling us we had an uncle in the furniture business. Today it carries far higher social status if you can claim you have an uncle in the political business.

Last Laugh

Three men were discussing the latest modern appliances they had in their homes.

“I have a washing machine that does the whole family’s laundry in just 20 minutes,” said one.

“We have a slow cooker,” said the next. “We switch it on before we go to work and when we come home at the end of the day there’s a hot dinner waiting for us.”

“That’s old technology,” said the third. “We now have a microwave fireplace in our lounge.”

“How does it work?” the others asked.

“It’s amazing!” he replied. “You can sit in front of the fire reading for a whole winter evening in just eight minutes.”