Beware the real-life nice guy
EVERYBODY loves a nice guy. A guy who will shower you with love and affection, spoil you with gifts and be your knight in shining amour.
This is why Joe Goldberg, the character from the Netflix series You, is appealing to many women.
Even though he’s a stalker and a violent serial killer who will eliminate anyone in his path to happiness and ever-lasting love.
Most great love stories start with a nice guy who puts his best foot forward to win a woman’s affection.
And this is how the nice guy can easily turn into a crazy possessive freak as his true colours starts to show.
By then, the women are stuck in an abusive relationship with no way out.
Watching You character Joe, one can see how easy it is for a man to hide these characteristics. That’s why it’s important to look out for red flags like “love bombing” and possessiveness, says Elaine Parker, the chief executive and founder of Safer Date.
A study by the University of Durham, published in Psychology Today, provides some insights into the vexing phenomenon.
Men who possess the Dark Triad traits (narcissism, psychopathy, and Machiavellianism) were found to have more sexual success than their peers.
The study, led by Dr Gregory Louis Carter, concluded that women found the Dark Triad personality more attractive. The question is: Why?
Professional matchmaker and relationship coach Kas Naidoo has a few theories of her own. One includes literally taking a walk on the wild side.
“Most people seek a feeling of aliveness and that’s something the bad boy definitely brings,” she said.
But Naidoo also points out that there are healthier ways to be in relationships. “When you love yourself deeply, you don’t need someone else to make you feel alive. You live fuller and set a higher standard for your partner as well,” she said.
“If you are dating and you see any red flags, trust your gut and get out of the relationship,” Parker said.
Parker shared tips on what to look out for when you think you’ve found the “perfect” guy.
Does the person seem too good to be true?
It may be a red flag if you are dating someone who always pays for your date, showers you with compliments and gifts, and makes grand gestures as a way to show their affection and make you fall harder for them.
This is called “love bombing” – the relentless way a partner bombards you with love at the start of a relationship.
This tends to happen at the beginning of the relationship. Once they have won you over to get what they want, the love disappears.
Are they pressuring you into rushing things?
By asking your partner to take things slower in a relationship, you will be able to see someone’s true intentions. If they are genuine, they will respect your decision. A love bomber, however, may attempt to make you feel guilty and ashamed for halting the relationship.
Is the person checking your phone?
If you have ever caught a partner going through your phone, laptop or social media messages, you almost instantly feel that break of trust.
When your partner does something that feels invasive, like a theft of your privacy, you feel like your partner can’t trust you and has no reason not to. It’s important to address the issue and have a conversation if this happens.
If that person cannot respect your privacy, then you shouldn’t be in a relationship with them.
Does the person demand all your time?
Of course you want to spend time together but you shouldn’t be made to feel bad if you don’t want to spend all your time with only that person. If you find your partner criticising you when you spend time with your friends or family, they might be jealous that you’re not spending time with them.
Calling or FaceTiming you constantly, or demanding an immediate response to their last message can also be suffocating.