Cooking up best lies in world
MANY OF us often feel like killing our spouse. Maybe he’s returned home four days after a Christmas party and has smoochie smears all over his scuzzy mug. You know he’s been cheating with the slut in the tea cupboard – yet the thought of languishing in prison for 150 years (what Bernie Madoff got for stealing a mere $30 billion) could mean you get parole when Robert Mugabe is still grootbaas of Zimbabwe.
And what to do with the evidence? Following the clues furnished by the TV series Law & Order, you stuff his cadaver in the oven and leave it for four days. Then you clean out the kibble (or get your maid to do so, since you live in Rondebosch) and hide the head under your thongs.
Gruesome stuff. Well, in Los Angeles a man is on trial for boiling his wife (post-mortem) for four days. He’s a cook – so I cannot but wonder whether he served her remains in his spécialité de la maison? Who would know?
The case reminded me of an imaginary pie chart I tuck in my hippocampus. It relates to who are the biggest liars in the world. The biggest slice of the pie goes to the Americans, while we trail in second. We have insufficient frothing warlords.
Thus, Richard Nixon (resembling a sleep-deprived blaasoppie covered with spines) once declaimed to millions on TV: “I am not a crook.” While he did not bake his wife, he engineered break-ins, cover-ups and helped decide to bomb Cambodia “back to the Stone Age” – thus empowering the delightful Khmer Rouge.
Bill Clinton, faced with Monica Lewinsky, snapped: “I never had sex with that woman!”
The late Gore Vidal (who always lied) defended Bill by noting that in the president’s neck of the swamp, unchaste writhing in the rear of a Ford is not really sex.
And remember OJ Simpson. Everyone in America now believes this quondam movie star, athlete, bankrupt and fool got off because he could afford a chiselling lawyer. Excongressman Anthony Weiner was caught posting his bulging undies on the Facebook page of a young girl. A presidential candidate, he gave in and resigned.
The US election has regurgitated repeated candidates who are not what they claim to be. Over here, the major criminal trial is of course that of Julius Malema, who dismisses money-laundering as a parking ticket and insists that the man he would once have died for is a fraud and opposes the nationalisation of barber shops.
Malema emits a communist aroma, and forgets that his beloved Joseph Stalin killed off 100 million people.
We don’t even have that many for Malema to snuff, defraud, rip off their property and consign to fracking camps.
I wonder whether Malema – once all the concealments, cars, mansions, lies and partying have been accounted for – would be able to rival Madoff, whose Ponzi scheme sucked in $30bn? Perhaps only if he loots the national Treasury. It could happen.
If Malema is only Mugabe’s age when released after 180 years he might resume his political career. Perhaps one of our indigenous Pollsmoor formations will show him the error of his ways, tattoo him eyeball to toenail, bury him in sand up to his spouting head and leave him for the ants to nibble.
Rendering him to flop in a huge pot would take longer than four days. Five must just do it.