‘Rape does not define who I am’
FOR almost 10 years *Megan didn’t have a name for what happened to her in 1995.
“I was watching Oprah and she was chatting to someone about date rape. It hit me like a ton of bricks.
“I didn’t comprehend at first that it was a form of rape; it took a while to come to terms with it,” she says as she nervously twirls her hair around her fingers.
For years she blamed herself, justifying it as just being in the wrong place at the wrong time.
“I was 15 at the time, and I lied to my parents about where I was. A friend and I were invited to this guy’s house party. It was mostly boys there, and we were only three girls. Things started getting out of hand because we were drinking.”
One thing led to another with a guy she had been flirting with at the beginning of the night, and the next thing she knew she was in the bedroom with him.
“It started out playfully, and then he started taking off his jeans. I remember thinking to myself ‘how did I get into this situation?’
“He begged me for sex, and I kept on saying no. Then he became aggressive and locked the door. He said he’d only unlock it if I just gave him what he asked for.”
Throughout the ordeal, she felt like she was having an out-of-body experience: “I felt numb, and just wanted it to be over with.”
Now 38, a mom of two and a freelance writer, Megan refuses to let the incident define who she is, and insists that she’s not a victim. But she asked to remain anonymous for her family’s sake.
“The only people who know what happened to me are my husband and a very close friend.”
When the Harvey Weinstein scandal broke, it opened the floodgates for victims of rape and sexual assault to break their silence and share their stories.
The #MeToo campaign took on a life of its own and gave birth to a movement that shows no signs of abating. Finally, women have a platform to make their voices heard.
Still, there’s a grey area within the boundaries of sexual consent: If I didn’t say no, was it rape?
By definition, sexual coercion is “when tactics like pressure, trickery or emotional force are used to get someone to agree to sex”. It sounds self-explanatory, but it could be as simple as coaxing someone to have one drink too many or it can hide in veiled threats.
Mara Glennie, the founder of the Tears Foundation, refuses to sugar-coat it: “Coercive sex is a sparsely used term, and we camouflage what’s happening by calling it that. We need to say this is rape.”
A victim of alleged verbal and sexual abuse at the hands of her ex-husband, Glennie formed the non-profit organisation in 2012, which uses technology to empower women and children against sexual and physical abuse.
She uses stealthing (non-consensual condom removing during the act of sex) as an example of coercive sex, saying: “Whether you knew it or not, and you had sex against your will – it is rape.”
But for many women, they can’t make the connection because the perpetrator is their boyfriend, friend or even their husband.
Tears has found young girls seem to be the victims of this type of sexual abuse.
“These girls are emotionally blackmailed into a sexual relationship, especially if they’ve had sex with the boy before,” says Glennie.
“Women should know if he feels like sex and you don’t – that’s your right. Your body is your right.”
Victims don’t seem to have much hope in South Africa’s justice system. Most cases never make it to court, so chances of a conviction are close to zero.
But Glennie says the tide is turning, thanks in part to the #MeToo movement.
“It’s not an area that the world wants to deal with, but now they’re forced to take note.”
She’s hopeful that many more will be prosecuted.
California adopted the US’s first Yes Means Yes law in 2015. It argues that the absence of the word “no” does not constitute sexual consent.
As far as South African law goes, rape is defined by the Criminal Law (Sexual Offences and Related Matters) Amendment Act, 2007: Any person (“A”) who unlawfully and intentionally commits an act of sexual penetration with a complainant (“B”), without the consent of B, is guilty of the offence of rape.
Glennie adds that the law was recently changed and includes no statute of limitations on rape.
I mention this to Megan, should she still want to lay charges 22 years later.
She looks surprised but answers with a determined tone: “I no longer give it power. I refuse to.
“All I want to do is share my story so that others in similar situations can know that they are never responsible for what happened. It was never your fault.”
* Not her real name