Mo & Phindi help keep your marriage in shape

One of the things we’ve learnt during this Covid-19 lockdown period is that a partnership with your spouse means exactly that — being members of the same team.

Being forcibly locked down together for so many weeks means heightened opportunities for conflict but also forgiving each other quickly, and finding a common path to take the relationship forward.

However, during this time and in the context of conflict management in marriages, one of the most popular issues partners struggle with is silent treatment.

This behaviour alone can make your lockdown experience a living hell.

When silence, or rather the refusal to engage in a conversation, is used as a control tactic to exert power in a relationship, it becomes the “silent treatment”.

Silent treatment is toxic, unhealthy and abusive. But, if being silent means simply taking a timeout to think things through and then address the issue again later, that is not at all the same thing.

What is silent treatment? It is a passive-aggressive form of emotional abuse.

The partner uses silence to express their displeasure, disapproval and contempt for their spouse through non-verbal gestures without the use of direct communication.

Silent treatment is frequently used by people who are controlling, inexpressive, emotionally immature, have low emotional intelligence and typically have difficulty in longterm relationships.

It is an immature, cheap and easy way of hurting your spouse through isolation. All the while, it turns you into a child who is incapable of communicating in your relationship like a grown-up.

Silence is used as a weapon to cut off meaningful conversations, dampen intimacy, stop the flow of information, and ultimately hurt the other partner.

Ignoring or excluding someone in this manner activates the same area of the brain that is activated by physical pain. Silent treatment is punitive.

It’s different from a timeout. Taking a timeout includes communicating to your spouse what the issue is and that you are requesting that there be no discussion about that specific issue for a specific time period, preferably less than 24 hours.

Taking a timeout is constructive, time specific, issue specific, mutually agreed upon, helpful to regain composure, allows for seeking support, seeks self-improvement and is solution focused.

The silent treatment on the other hand, is always destructive, indefinite, contemptuous, disengaged from the relationship, unilateral, seeks alliance in the argument, selfish, blaming, and about the past.

So how do we handle silent treatment in our marriages?

Understand both sides

In some cases, the partner on the receiving end of silent treatment feels rejected and abandoned, while the silent one may feel frustrated, afraid and their silence is a way to protect themselves from more pain.

One thing you can do first is to think of how you may have contributed to your spouse’s reaction.

Understand that hurtful actions are usually negative reactions towards an event or something said or done — or not said or done.

Think back of when this behaviour began. Trace your words to see if there was anything you did or said that contributed to your partner’s reaction, and then deal with it.

Kill them with kindness

It may be difficult, especially for you being the mature one in the relationship, but don’t grovel for your partner’s attention.

Keep it in your mind that if you pursue them by doing things for them or offering apologies for stuff you don’t know, then you are feeding their behaviour.

But balance tough love with compassion. Be nice without buying their attention. Give them space, but make them coffee too.

Your consistency and compassionate behaviour will expose their immaturity, and hopefully, they’ll realise the vanity of their behaviour.

Take care of yourself

Realise that your spouse is choosing to engage in the silent treatment instead of taking responsibility for any part of the issue at hand. You have no control over them. Therefore,

you are not responsible for how they ’ re dealing (or not dealing) with the issue.

Set boundaries

When your spouse decides to talk, only accept responsibility for your part in the situation. Using “I” statements rather than saying “you” is usually more effective and less threatening. Challenge them to take responsibility for their part and to never engage in this abusive behaviour again. Let them know that a timeout is OK, but the silent treatment isn’t.

Get help

At some point, you have to outgrow this behaviour in your marriage. But if it persists, we’d encourage third party intervention.

Silent treatment is a form of abuse. You should not allow this type of toxic behaviour to persist in your marriage. Who knows, you may find that your spouse may in fact be in need of professional help for problems deep within themselves.

We’re all created with the very need for fellowship, friendship and human interactions. We are, by God’s design, socialites.

And when a partner decides to cut off this need, they are putting their entire marriage in jeopardy by denying a God-given identity of the other partner, and this isn ’ t a type of behaviour to be taken lightly.