Your Marriage

The importance of a shared purpose

In our daily lives working with married couples, we are confronted by a myriad of marital issues that either warm our hearts or make us feel sad for some relationships. The amount of fun couples have together while nurturing their connection is a key factor in predicting their overall marital happiness.

However, we also find that some couples have tons of fun early in the relationship, which fizzles out as time goes by.

While a new relationship is exciting, stimulating and fun, having a deep and meaningful connection with your spouse can infuse your relationship with love and purpose over the long run.

Developing shared meaning over a longer period will sustain a deep sense of connection in your marriage, resulting in overall positive effect and shared happiness. Happiness, growth and intimacy aren t automatic.

Many couples have enough to live by, but little to live for. They have the means, but no meaning. Some gather many years of marriage without experiencing the quality of life in their marriages.

Random living is the enemy of real meaning.

The point is, couples that are serious about life together, have the courage to develop meaning as a team, especially if they initially got married randomly. Such couples understand that life is not always a song and dance.

Nothing, in our view, tears a couple apart faster than partners that are pulling in different directions. Love spoils when it lacks direction, and does so quickly.

It matters very little how much you love one another

Enjoying the same kind of sport, food, music and so on are nice icebreakers to start a longterm relationship. But common interests aren t strong enough to sustain a marriage. In many instances, you ll find that the relationship becomes boring if it s just built on common interests.

Early romance, which is generally built on common interests, doesn t indicate future happiness. If you don t share a common vision something that s powerful enough to pull you towards a goal bigger than yourselves as a couple then you ll likely fight over even the pettiest of issues.

You re also likely to lead different lives while married, which will create disorder and a type of schizophrenia for your marriage, a chaotic environment to raise children.

Sharing a meaning and purpose with your partner is a massive plus for a marriage. It frees you from potentially suffocating your marriage by focusing on every petty issue your partner does wrong in your eyes.

Having a shared meaning and common purpose allows you to focus on the bigger picture, and not be fixated with sweating the small stuff.

Not every conflict in marriage is worth resolving. Some are just meant to be managed. It s anger that you shouldn t go to bed with, not a fascination with wanting to prove you re right all the time.

Common purpose, in our view, doesn t necessarily mean doing the same job or sharing a similar career. It doesn t even mean to always agree on everything. It fundamentally means having a common appreciation for why God created marriage, and having a mutual agreement on how the two of you would best conduct yourselves in your marriage in the way you treat one another, raise your children and carry yourselves as a unit in society.

Common goals

What are you living for? What is the one thing you can both agree is the deep desire that you cannot achieve without the other? Raising kids is out of the question, as they are temporary in your married life. What can you as a team do through your marriage to leave this world better than you found it?

Value-system

Having similar views on managing finances for instance, adds to the shared meaning. So do your views on faith, integrity, loyalty, commitment, parenting and the interaction you expect to have with your own parents, siblings and cousins. Do you consider them part of the family or does distance need to be created?

Even views on what it means to work, the significance of work in your life and how much work is part of your life can be disputed or shared.

Family traditions

Creating family traditions will enable you to spend quality time together.

Carve out time to be together so you don t become two ships “passing in the night ”. Focus on spending time doing enjoyable activities as a couple.

Develop unique rituals that are meaningful to you like take-away Saturday, Sunday braai, family devotions or morning walks.

You may even intentionally develop interest on a television show or community work you know your spouse likes, and engage in it together.

Support for each other s roles ’

Many couples clash over what they believe their partner should be doing versus what they are actually doing.

The happiest couples agree on the roles they define for themselves and support each other with them.

Mo & Phindi are professional marriage coaches, and authors, to get in touch email: info@moandphindi.com or follow them on Facebook: Mo & Phindi or Instagram & Twitter: @mo_phindi

Develop unique rituals that are meaningful to you ... You may even intentionally develop interest on a television show or community work you know your spouse likes, and engage in it together