Mother’s Day: Three moms reveal what it means to them
Barbara Hollands talks to three women about what Mother's Day means to them
DR MELANIE DRAKE
Former principal of Clarendon Primary, Dr Melanie Drake, 41, is now the head of the Girls’ Prep at St Stithians College in Johannesburg. She is married to Dr Tobi Vaudrey, 38. The couple have four children, Cadence, 10, Charlee, seven, Ceithin, four, and Cincade, one.
Q: What does Mother’s Day mean to you?
A: I get to feel the love and appreciation of Mother’s Day from my family often; many times surprised with a coffee or breakfast in bed, and a beautiful handmade card.
What common misconceptions do you encounter about having four children and also running a school?
My husband and I make very intentional decisions and sacrifices to ensure that we are part of our children’s lives in meaningful ways. One of us is always there, doing the ballet hair bun for the ballet concert, while the other is putting on the swim cap and goggles.
We do homework together, and sit around the dinner table most evenings. We are present, observing the beauty of watching our children grow up. One of the things that surprises us is the lack of understanding from people regarding the hands-on nature of my husband’s involvement in our children’s lives.
What is the secret to having both a rewarding career and a large, happy family?
My work is really my passion — I believe I was born to work in an educational context. My husband gets the flexibility of working from home and being able to reorganise his day to best suit meeting his deadlines and being there for the children.
For me, I get to spend school holidays with my children, and spend authentic quality time with their developing characters.
Do you bring your boys and girls up in the same way?
The difficulty lies in ensuring your children flourish without allowing them to get off lightly due to their gender. My son loves rough play with dad (and mom) but so do my daughters, so we ensure we do this with all our children. My second daughter will spend hours doing her hair, nails and dressing up.
My son often wants his nails painted green so that he can pretend to be a ninja turtle. I believe parents need to explore their own understanding of gender very carefully and make concerted efforts to ensure they don’t give in to the stereotypes.
How should we bring up boys so that they make good future partners?
If I raise my boys to be just like my husband, I know they will make the most fantastic future partners. My four-yearold son is often in the kitchen with my husband, cutting veggies for supper and helping stir a sauce.
He also spends a lot of time in the garage, doing home maintenance and working with my husband on odd jobs around the house. However, my husband treats our daughters in the exact same way.
Motherhood makes us consider how we were parented. What parenting qualities have you extended to your own children? And which ones have you avoided?
My father treated me the same as my brother; I would race bikes around the neighbourhood and work on motor-car engines in his garage with him. My father raised me to be equal with my brother, which was something I aim to achieve with my children as well.
I believe that all should be equal and I can choose to do anything a male can do. As a child, I was able to be out and about in the neighbourhood all day, without a single “check-in” with my parents. Nowadays, this isn’t possible.
ZIZIPHO POWSA
Raised near Idutywa, ceramic artist Zizipho Poswa is the codirector of Imiso Ceramics in Cape Town and her work is on exhibit at the Southern Guild at the V&A Waterfront. She is mother to Chuma, 22, and Iyana, six, and lives with her mother, Stella Poswa.
What does Mother’s Day mean to you?
It’s showing gratitude to mothers who gave their best to raise us through the ups and downs of life. My mother is my rock, she is one of the strongest women I’ve ever known.
As much as I was her only child, she raised me with my five cousins with so much love, pride and care. I try to celebrate every day as Mother’s Day because she deserves it.
Did you grow up celebrating this day?
Yes, I saved up money to buy my mom special little gifts and now my son Chuma cooks us breakfast in bed. I cook a special lunch and spoil my mother on the day. I get cute handmade Mother’s Day cards from my very creative daughter, Iyana.
What aspects of your mother’s parenting style have you replicated?
My mother was strict but she also rewarded me when I did well at school. This built a strong bond between us. Her parenting style was between authoritative and authoritarian. She expected me to do well in school. She was very supportive of my creative career choice and I respect her for that.
Are there any you chose not to use?
Parenting is not easy, having to consider each child’s personality. I continue to educate myself and discover a personal style that is comfortable for me and my kids.
As a mother to a boy and a girl, are you bringing them up to do the same chores?
My mother taught me both gender roles and so I also did the same with my kids. I believe as parents it is our duty to challenge gender roles and break stereotypes.
What has been the single most difficult thing about being a mother?
Without a doubt, it is seeing my kids suffer even in the smallest way. I have to be strong for them and teach them that life is not perfect, and that they need to be fighters.
And the very best one?
I have a very busy work schedule and I appreciate spending the little time I get with them and giving them unconditional love. Receiving it back means a lot.
MEGAN ROSS
Writer, editor, multidisciplinary artist and designer Megan Ross, 32, authored Milk Fever and is working on her first novel. She lives in Gonubie with her partner, Chad Goodall, 35, and their son Oliver, five.
What does Mother’s Day mean to you?
It is one day out of the year when families are encouraged to care for mom. Feeling loved and appreciated is so wonderful, especially when you’re parenting through a difficult stage or super stressed about how to manage parenting with work and other commitments.
What was the biggest revelation you had after giving birth?
That this little creature would need to rely on me — and would love me — as wholly as I had once relied on — and still do love — my own mom. Also seeing my son as entirely separate from me.
What aspects of your mother’s parenting style have you replicated and which have you omitted?
My mom wouldn’t hear of us being bored: we had to build a puzzle, read a book, climb a tree or draw. She encouraged our creativity — to the point of letting us paint on our bedroom walls!
Her priority was always to encourage us to see the beauty in everything and to use our imaginations. I think I’m probably a little more of a free-range parent than my mom was, but I lean heavily on my mom’s ideas of parenting.
How are you ensuring your boy grows up to believe in gender equality?
I’m trying hard to raise a feminist son and I think that the first place to start is by making him feel like his dad and I are a safe space. I encourage him to articulate his feelings and dissuade him from funnelling every emotion into angry outbursts or aggressive behaviour.
We want him to cry when he’s sad or hurt, and feel like he can do so without shame or fear of reproach. I try to show him that we place little value on machismo and hold qualities like kindness, gentleness and sensitivity in high regard.
If we want more men to believe in equality between genders, then we have to show them when they’re children that their feelings matter, that vulnerability is OK, and that traditionally “feminine” qualities are as important as traditionally “masculine” qualities.
What is the toughest thing about being a mother?
I often feel like I’m torn between work and spending time with my son.
What brings you the most joy as a mom?
Climbing into bed at night and seeing how excited my son is to read a bedtime story or fly through his latest library books. Also my son’s sense of humour and love of practical jokes.
What is the one bit of advice you would give to a woman considering motherhood?
Think about what your post-partum support system will look like: what kind of childcare will be arranged, how will finances work, is there a clear understanding between you and your partner about the parenting load, and the kinds of expectations you place on each other.
My mom wouldn’t hear of us being bored: we had to build a puzzle, read a book, climb a tree or draw