How to deal with financial infidelity
When one partner conceals important financial information or activity from the other, in other words, when you deliberately choose not to tell the truth to your spouse about your financial situation or activity, no matter how big or small, that is financial infidelity.
Some of the most common examples include hiding a purchase, secretly paying or supporting someone without the knowledge of your spouse, opening secret credit cards or new accounts, getting a cashback you don’t tell your spouse about, stashing bills, and even having a secret savings account your spouse knows nothing about.
Because of the seriousness of financial infidelity, we feel it’s important to make a clear distinction between financial dishonesty and just being irresponsible or forgetful. Not telling your spouse that you went to a restaurant a few times this month because you didn’t think it’s a big deal is not infidelity. That can qualify as financial irresponsibility. However, if you knew your spouse wouldn’t approve of your spending money at a restaurant and intentionally hid it from them, that’s infidelity.
Financial infidelity can look like a minor omission like ‘forgetting’ to mention that you went a bit over-budget booking the baecation, or a major transgression, like draining the children’ education savings to cover a secret credit card bills. Like sexual infidelity, financial infidelity can wreak havoc on your marriage, especially on your shared financial goals.
Acknowledge what’s been compromised
The partner who felt cheated is going to be upset, angry, and disappointed. Just like with an instance of sexual infidelity, they may experience feelings of betrayal, loss of trust, and may even want to leave the relationship – depending on the circumstance. After all, trust and safety were compromised.
When you’ve come clean about the issue, it’s up to your partner to forgive you. Once you have confessed, you may want to give them a little room and time to soak it in and evaluate. Acknowledging the matter will have to include mechanisms to rebuild trust and practical steps to prevent repetition.
Talk about the causes
Once you’re both ready to move forward, you should have a sit-down. Identify the cause of the financial infidelity and create a plan to prevent it from happening again. Different causes will require different approaches to dealing with them.
Being on the same page with your spouse is so important for just about every aspect of life: raising children, life goals, career choices and so much more. And the one thread that holds it all together is money. If you’re not on the same page like doing a monthly budget together, it’s time to start. Something as basic as budgeting can be a game changer in this regard.
Explore each other’s needs
Allow each other the freedom for brutal honesty and vulnerability without judging one another. Understand the real reasons for the infidelity. We all have a range of needs, from feeling safe to feeling we belong. How we prioritise these needs is different for everyone. So, one partner might need financial security in marriage, whereas the other is a lavish spender. These two seemingly opposing needs can be reconciled with proper communication.
Honestly discuss your values about money
How do each of you relate to money? What is your relationship with money and how was this influenced by your upbringing? What were the messages that you absorbed growing up about spending and how finances should be handled in relationships?
Be open about your boundaries
How to save your marriage after financial infidelity is a delicate balance between openness and having boundaries. We always recommend joining income and finances into one family account. There are more pros than cons in this regard. However, to other couples, this arrangement seems like a violation.
Communication and mutual respect will carry your marriage far. Discuss what is appropriate for you both that allows you to be completely open with each other.
Develop shared financial goals
When you’re working towards the same goals, you create no room to hide or waste money. If you have accumulated debts, both you and your partner should develop a practical plan to service them in the backdrop of your financial goals as a family. Create a new budget reflecting your current financial position after the infidelity, and ensure it works for both of you.
Don’t let the signs of financial infidelity take you by surprise. Instead, support each other and share your roles. If you want one person to be in charge of finances, get the other to audit them.
This isn’t about checking up on someone but about seeing if working together can improve things. Even better, make this a joint effort to lighten the load, especially when following the steps for how to save your marriage after financial infidelity.
Of course, fixing your finances is only one part of how to save your marriage after financial infidelity. The other part is the breakdown of trust. We always advise couples to consult professionals for intervention at this stage. Either way, emotions and needs must be discussed and processed in order to pave way for forgiveness and reconciliation.
When you’ve come clean about the issue, it’s up to your partner to forgive you. Once you have confessed, you may want to give them a little room and time to soak it in and evaluate