Scheduling time for intimacy
“It’s not just about having sex, it’s about having sex that’s satisfactory, consensual and pleasurable,” says Wasserman. Frequency of sex is a question that often comes up. “It’s a big thing ... we tend to want to normalise ourselves, we want to feel we’re okay.”
She is reluctant to prescribe the amount of sex couples should be having, saying it depends on a number of factors, including age, health, state of relationship, and even financial wellbeing. There is also likely to be desire discrepancy, with one person wanting more than the other. Consistency is a factor. Couples could have sex 10 times in a month, then no sex for weeks.
“What is normal is what feels positive and flexible, what makes the couple really happy, as well as the feeling of safety and security.”
As a relationship evolves, frequency is likely to drop – maybe because of familiarity or extra responsibility: “As people get into their 30s, they have more responsibilities. You might have children or be focused on a career and a lot of resources go into that.
“Big changes happen as one gets older ... physical and mobility changes, chemical and hormonal changes; women go through menopause and some men go through andropause.”
This needn’t mean less sex and can mean a different and even more exciting sex life.
Says Wasserman: “Women tend to become more comfortable in their bodies; there can be a greater sense of exploration, and they seek out novelty. Men too. It can be an incredibly exciting time for couples to enjoy their sexuality.”
A Google search reveals no consensus on scheduling sex, be it once a week, twice a week, or more. Wasserman advises against a one-sizefits-all plan.
“Some people like schedules, where they know sex is kind of part of their routine. Some, especially – but not limited to – those who have suffered abuse, might prefer scheduling, to be able to prepare themselves mentally and physically. Meanwhile, other people might feel pressured by scheduling, like, ‘Oh my goodness, what happens if I’m not in the mood and now I’ve got this commitment?’ That can result in very unsatisfying sex, duty sex – they don’t really want to be there,” says Wasserman.
She emphasises the importance of couples being “connected” and making sure their relationship is a safe and secure space to be able to negotiate sexuality.
Rather than using terms such as “working”