TONGUE IN CHEEK

some team does something remarkable on the world stage.

I’m surprised his office hasn’t pushed for South Africa to assemble a team to participate in the annual Testicle Festival in Europe. Can you imagine a statement from that office should a team from these shores participate in that event? Balls, balls, balls…

Anyway, speaking of Bafana Bafana, as of 23 June they were ranked number 12 in the continental football standings and 68th in the world. Some have suggested that the reason our boys have been doing so badly on the continental and world stage is that they crack open more booze bottles and take down more g-strings than they score goals. Their exploits in bars and beds are more accurate than on the pitch. What a shame!

Strangely though, there seemed to be more outrage among Mzansians over Qatar’s strict restrictions on alcohol consumption during the tournament than about the fact that Bafana Bafana failed to qualify.

Even varsity dropouts who can’t point out Qatar on the world map were raving mad on social media, as if they would have made the trip to the Gulf had Bafana Bafana qualified.

Some local scribes who flew to the tournament also joined the chorus, lamenting the drought at Qatar’s hotel bars. Some were even secretly grumbling about the absence of a red light district there.

It appears that Bafana Bafana’s poor performance on the pitch has impacted badly on the exploits of Mzansians in the bar and tavern. Statistics suggest South Africa has not only dropped the ball, but the glass too.

Recent studies show that the Seychelles, that little island country with a population less than that of Mthatha or Hotazel, is the champion drinking nation in Africa.

It’s followed by Uganda, that lush, hot, humid country with some of the darkest people on Earth. Eish, having spent sometime in Uganda, I can attest to its prevailing “conducive climatic conditions” for always having a cold one.

We all know the ugly health side effects of booze when abused or taken in copious amounts by people with questionable morals. But still, a self-respecting nation can’t be beaten by the likes of Seychelles in anything.

Not so stylish. We need a commission of inquiry.

Mr Styles is the former president of the Organisation for Stylish People of South Africa (Osposa). He is against anything and anyone unstylish.