Moegoe from Moscow: SA takes a stand against global tsotsis

Russian President Vladimir Putin is set to touch down in Mzansi later this year for the BRICS summit. All I can say is beware, Vlado. This stylish son of the soil will be ready – and waiting – for you

international tsotsis always fall on us?

Why can’t such responsibilities fall upon other countries, like Malawi for instance, or Eswatini? Malawi, for as long as I have been inhaling and exhaling under this merciless African sun, has always been known as the undisputed champion of witchcraft.

Very few people, including Malawians themselves, have cared to dispute this, which leaves one with a nagging suspicion that there could be some element of truth to this.

I once heard of a Joburgbased Malawian gardener, Fuchson, who made the daily commute back to his home country at the end of his shift in the northern suburbs through “magic airways”.

While he was back home in his Malawi village each night, folks in Joburg would see the same guy walking to the corner shop carrying a carton of milk. This is the kind of skill days in the Russian mountains during bitterly cold months, surviving only on vodka.

He is an accomplished horse rider and spends his Sunday afternoons cruising the seas

on a submarine while sipping vodka cocktails.

And, oh boy, his martial arts skills can put the best of the monks in the

Shaolin Temple to shame.

Now, imagine

SA sending out one of Bheki

Cele’s sloths to apprehend such a highly trained man. We really can’t afford the embarrassment. Even Cele himself wouldn’t stand a chance against Vlado and his men.

And have you noticed how African heads of state are always surrounded by dozens upon dozens of beefy security men? Curiously, our presidents always seem to go for the meanest-looking men for the task of guarding them.

I am actually beginning to wonder if these people are there to guard their principals, or to strike the fear of the devil into us members of the public. They seem forever unhappy, angry, bitter and nauseated.

Not sure if this is one of the strict requirements of the job. Well, if it is, a good-looking, loveable fella like yours truly would never ever be considered for such a prestigious occupation.

Not that I care for such an occupation. I just can’t stand the thought of spending most of my precious life guarding a man whose sole responsibility is to make the lives of millions of other people miserable through load shedding, failure to combat crime and ensuring poverty remains a daily reality. Poverty remains an African politician’s best marketing tool.

Anyway, let’s leave that poverty-stricken topic for another time. The main issue now is Putin. By the time the man with vodka-infused veins touches down in this land of Thabo Bester and Bheki Cele, I will be more than ready. Pity I can’t reveal much of my plan now for security reasons.

But what I know is that I’m gon’ get my man. I’m gonna nab him in style. I’m just praying good ol’ Vlado doesn’t read this piece, because I don’t think he would dare set foot here after that.