TONGUE IN CHEEK

Ihave literally been living in the gym – getting myself into tiptop condition and polishing my rusty martial arts skills since those chaps at the International Criminal Court (ICC) issued a warrant of arrest for Russian President Vladimir Putin.

Vlado is set to head to our shores sometime this year for the BRICS summit. This leaves Mzansi with the responsibility of ensuring that the Moegoe from Moscow never gets to taste vodka ever again in his icy life.

For the next few months, I’m forsaking the world and retreating into a quiet, secret life as I prepare for this momentous assignment.

If compatriots like Nelson Mandela could take one for the country by spending several decades in jail, why can’t I, a stylish son of the soil, also take one for all 60 million of us South Africans and the millions of other souls across the globe by carrying out this citizen’s arrest?

Thanks to the gods, I have even managed to trace MaSeven, a former cash-heist gang leader who is now doing a few life sentences for his role in these deadly robberies.

MaSeven has agreed to put me in touch with the sangoma who used to “strengthen” him and his buddies before each hit. Common sense tells me this sangoma knows his stuff because in all 22 heists he was involved in, MaSeven has never once been hit by a bullet.

Apparently, those bullets fired by the guards always turned into R200 notes when fired at MaSeven, courtesy of the sangoma’s charms. So, Putin’s men better be careful…

You see, the last time SA was given such a responsibility, to help to make the world a better place by arresting the Butcher of Darfur, one Omar al-Bashir, the relevant people embarrassed us all.

They let the former goat shepherd slip out of the country and back to his desert stronghold without carrying out their mandate as required by the ICC, to which South Africa is a signatory.

While having a stiff, calming drink the other day after learning about this latest responsibility bestowed upon us, I wondered if perhaps the world’s gods are testing us. Because why, out of 195 countries in this world, should the responsibility for arresting that Malawi can put to good use – and at the same time earn some glory – by arresting fugitives like Putin.

Anyway, from the intelligence I have gathered so far, Putin is no lame duck like our local politicians. The man is KGB-trained and is a top-class sniper who has aced extreme survival courses, which included spending