1. Don’t pounce on me the minute I enter the shop

I enjoy shopping for new clothes about as much as I like going to the dentist for a filling. Please don’t ambush me the second I am over your threshold.

I want to be in and out of your establishment in five minutes flat, so that doesn’t allow time to engage in small talk about: where I get my hair done; if it’s still raining outside; how my day is going; what my plans are for the evening; and if I’m looking for anything special.

Remember that “Just browsing, thanks”, is actually customer code for “Back off now, Missy”.

2. Don’t bring me clothes you think I’ll like

No plus-size woman wants to hear what a 19-year-old size-8 flibbertigibbet of a girl in hotpants and a crop-top thinks she’ll look good in.

To girls like that, anybody over size 12 is When I ask you to bring me a dress in a size 16, please don’t return with two: one in the size I have requested plus a size 18 “just in case”. I’ve only just made my peace with going from a size 14 to a 16, so knowing that you think I’m fooling myself on that score too, isn’t going to make me feel any better.

However, bring me the size I ask for and the next one down (even though we both know we’re kidding ourselves) and you will make me your friend for life.

5. Saying ‘It’s not right for you’ will

suffice

When an outfit I try on doesn’t do me any favours, nobody will be more aware of that than me.

I can see that I appear to have four breasts and that an interesting ruched-curtain effect has been created in my mid area.

I will not be in a good mood. So having a shop assistant, with less meat on her bones than a supermarket chicken, giving me a head-to-toe critique of exactly where I went wrong is not going to improve my mood, is it?