I spent years proving to myself that I didn’t need a man… then I found one
MY ELDER daughter turns 10 this month, which also marks a decade of me being a single mother. I’ve had relationships in that time, some of them serious, but not for the past five years.
I dated, but with hefty dry spells in between. The momentary romanticism that came with dating was something I craved, outside my chaotic life of working, putting myself through college and raising my daughters on my own.
In those moments of intimacy, I relaxed into embraces, but it was an escape. I kept the two worlds separate. Most of my dates weren’t interested in getting involved with the underbelly of my life.
Being a single mom, I fought my way through living in poverty. But I knew that I needed to be selfsufficient first. Every day I got up, got kids to school and day care, worked a full-time job, made dinner and cleaned up. We didn’t need a man to complete us. Then, rather suddenly, I had one. My friend, Matt, and I discovered that we’d fallen in love. We started saying things like “sometimes you just know” in our efforts to explain our decision to get married. In addition to becoming my husband, Matt took on a fair share of housework and the mental work it took to raise children.
I never asked him to do this. In fact, I kept most of what needed to be done to myself. Part of this was projecting my experiences from the past on to him. I’d had boyfriends berate me for not having dinner on the table, calling me lazy for sitting around with the grout in the bathroom being dirty.
I’d get stressed about things piling up and insisted I do it all on my own.
Matt started to notice this, and asked me to let him share in the work of caring for a family.
I tried, but often failed. I work from home, I would say, so it’s easier for me to do laundry. I wanted the house to be clean and the fridge full when he got home, and dinner on the way. I’d been in the habit of taking care of everything.
Matt insisted that I take a day for myself, and I agreed, while he spent one-on-one time with the girls.
Things changed when my job took me to a conference in Los Angeles for a weekend. While I was away, Matt experienced what I’d lived for so many years – being the only parent. “I don’t know how you did this by yourself for 10 years,” he said.
Through the pictures he sent me that weekend – of him and the girls sharing ice cream after school, going hiking and the toddler sleeping through the night in her room – I saw my new husband through a different filter.
He was a loving, supportive partner and stepfather to my children.
I learnt to trust not only that he could handle the stress of raising kids, but also that he truly wanted to.
When I got back, we made a conscious effort to share the work of running a household. I suddenly had more time for myself.
Whenever I run into someone, their first comment is how happy I look, that I’m glowing.
I guess that comes from finally sharing the mental load.