Kicking up all my heels

IWONDER whether anybody pays attention to “dress codes” any more. I’m by no means a fashion plate, but I do feel there are occasions when I like to dress up a bit. Hey, I’m not talking three-piece suit here, but smartish.

I don’t wear a tie very often, but if I go to a smart function – or to the theatre – I put on neat trousers and a respectable shirt. Unless it’s seriously hot, I wear a jacket. This is obviously no longer the norm. I see people rolling up at events for which they’ve paid R250 a ticket, wearing jeans and T-shirts and shuffling along in Crocs.

I suppose the reasoning behind this is that if you’ve paid all that money, you feel you can damn well dress as you please.

Rather a typical modern attitude, this. “I know my rights, mate! To hell with anybody else.”

I feel the people around you are part of the atmosphere, no less than the decor and the lighting. If you’re surrounded by smartly dressed people you (or at any rate, I) feel you’re part of a special gathering.

If the people around you are dressed like hoboes, you tend to lose that sense of occasion.

Of course, there are limits to this fashion business.

I own two pairs of good shoes – one black and one brown – and reckon that’s all I need.

But I read an article in a men’s magazine recently and felt downright ashamed of myself. It seems every respectable male needs at least a dozen pairs of shoes.

The article began with the stern statement: “There is no such thing as too many shoes. This is simply one of the great, unal- terable facts of life.” Wow! New facts of life at my age! Apparently, I need a pair of shiny (preferably patent leather) black “dress” shoes for weddings, “black tie” events and other formal occasions. They must have thin heels and soles. For office wear, I will need a shoe similar to my dress pair, but less shiny.

They should be the same colour as my belt and never in a colour lighter than my trousers.

For casual occasions, the article said, I need a selection of “loafers” (which sound rather like an invitation to bring along some of my drinking buddies).

I am not allowed to wear shiny shoes with my jeans.

When I do want to relax in my jeans I am allowed to wear sandals or sneakers, but not hi-tech athlete’s sneakers.

It all sounds rather complicated to me – and expensive, too.

I think I’ll settle for my two pairs of shoes and go to formal events feeling slightly smug because I’m rather more smartly shod than most of the others who attend.

At least I don’t wear sneakers and a bow tie. LAST LAUGH An indigent client who had been injured in a car accident went looking for a lawyer to represent him without charging anything. One lawyer told him that he would take the case on contingency.

When the client asked what “contingency” meant, the lawyer explained: “If I don’t win your lawsuit, I don’t get anything. If I do win your lawsuit, you don’t get anything.”