CONFLICT with your IN-LAWS
Don’ t let disagreements with your spouse’ s family spoil the holidays or your marriage. Here’s how to get along
Her problems began the moment she started dating him. They discussed the issue then and assumed things would improve over time, but this hasn’t been the case. More than a decade later, the same problem still persists. “I’ve been married for 11 years and I still feel like an outsider,” Thabi* says.
“Every time we have a family gathering, I have to prepare myself mentally to be strong. I know I will be insulted.
“My mother- in- law will make comments like, ‘ My son is looking thin so you’re obviously not feeding him well’ or ‘ Your children are always so badly behaved.’ I get compared to his sisters all the time and am made to feel like a bad wife and a bad mother.
“It’s very difficult because I don’t want to put my husband in the middle – she is his mother, after all. But there are times when I wish he was firmer with her, especially when our kids see how she treats me.
“He has spoken to her but nothing gets better. She’s a strong woman and no one ever takes her on. I’ve accepted that she’ll never change and I avoid family occasions as much as I can. When I can’t, I try to keep my distance from her and always sit next to someone else.”
Problems with your mother- in- law may sound like a Hollywood cliché but they’re very real for Thabi and many other makotis.
“When the spouse is the breadwinner of his family of origin, then the wife might be viewed as someone who is taking their bread and butter away,” says social worker Pearl Ramotsamai, explaining why some families might treat makotis badly.
“Power struggles also cause conflict. For example, the mother- in- law may believe her son will now be controlled by and listen more to his wife.”
Whatever the reason for the family’s disapproval, it can make life very unpleasant. Here are some tips to help you deal with those difficult relations.