HOW WELL DO YOU KNOW YOUR PARTNER?

Having read Mam Zoliswa and Tat’ Mthobeli’s love story, it might be a good idea to assess your relationship, before you say I do.

You two are couple goals. The connection was instant, you finish off each other’s sentences, the sex is fire, you’ve even moved in together. But if you’re dreaming of walking down the aisle, there’s so much more you need to know about him – and that he needs to know about you – to ensure relatively smooth sailing until death do you part.

“We see too many couples rushing into marriage before they are ready and without a decent understanding of the person they’re getting married to,” says Busisiwe Malangwane, a registered counsellor from Midrand, north of Johannesburg.

Before making a commitment to spend the rest of your life with this person, it’s worth investing some time and effort to get to know them first.

“It’s not advisable to get married during the honeymoon stage of your love life,” according to Nomonde Precious Stamper, a social work practitioner at an Eastern Capebased consultancy.

“Couples are very loving at the onset of the relationship, but you will never know the person you are dating if you have never seen them angry,” she says.

“How are they when they are at their worst? Do they support you? If they don’t support you during your worst times now, chances are they won’t support you when you’re married.

“Don’t expect a change in behaviour when you’re married. What you see now is what you are going to get when you are together.”

Here are some important issues to consider before saying, “I do.”

WHY ARE YOU GETTING MARRIED?

Marriage may mean something different to you both. For example, does he feel pressured to ask you to be his wife or do you feel pressured to say yes? Does it simply mean a legal agreement or is it a way to start a family? Talk about what you imagine will change after you’re married. And speak about the kind of marriage you want and what your goals are.

THE BABY TALK

“Couples need to honestly disclose all of their children, as this will become known and it will distract your marriage goals and affect the child concerned,” Stamper says.

She suggests talking openly, even if there are disagreements about how you are going to be part of the children’s lives and handle the baby mama. It’s also important to discuss whether you want to have children of your own, how many and when.when

SET FAMILY BOUNDARIES

“No marriage can survive without the blessings of the families,” Stamper says. It’s also important that boundaries around family involvement should be discussed.

BE OPEN ABOUT YOUR FINANCES

Unpack all your responsibilities and debts. “Be specific on how you have dealt with money, as well as your plans on how to deal with debt and any other financial responsibilities,” Stamper says.

She suggests dealing with as much financial baggage as possible before tying the knot by creating measurable goals for battling debt and working together.

“Financial problems can steal peace and harmony and cause anger in a marriage,” Stamper says.

“Couples should discuss how they are going to share financial responsibilities in a fair way. A lot of couples suffer from depression because one party does not contribute as much as they should or because they’re not open to talking about money issues,” Stamper says.

EMOTIONAL SUPPORT AND CONFLICT

There will be times when you are down and need your partner to be the one you go to for comfort. So it’s important to know upfront what that comfort and support will look like. It may be different from what your partner expects.

“Often the rosy period of early romance has everyone restraining themselves and being on their best behaviour, but decades of marriage and life in general can bring plenty of pressure,” says Andrea Bonior, a US-based clinical psychologist, in her article in Psychology Today.

“How do the two of you handle stress together?” is another important question to ask.

“In general, the healthiest marriages have respectful and honest communication without game-playing. Examine your styles of handling conflict, see if there is room for improvement,” suggests Bonior.

GAMBLING, DRUGS AND DRINKING

At some stage in the relationship the vices that initially made your partner seem fun and carefree are no longer cute. “Maybe what seems reasonable for a young, childless couple in terms of partying and drinking no longer seems reasonable with two toddlers underfoot,” Bonior says. “Take a hard look at your partner’s – and your own – relationship with substances.”

CAREER GOALS

Talk about your professional development plans, starting with each of your career goals. A bigger salary may be your top priority, while your spouse dreams of self-employment. Will you bring home the bacon?