SHOULD I CHOOSE? I was in a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend for two years and it was going well until I fell in love with a guy at work. However, my boyfriend made sure we saw each other a lot and even moved closer to me so we could have more time together. I eventually ended the relationship.
A few months later I found out the colleague I was seeing is married to the mother of his two kids. They’ve been separated for two years but he says he can’t divorce her because she threatens to take the kids away. He wants to make me his second wife but I don’t feel comfortable with that. Now my ex has made contact and wants us to fix things. I’m confused. JT, EMAIL
AIt’s never advisable to commit yourself to a relationship when you don’t have all the facts about your partner. You were looking through rose-coloured glasses and made a rushed decision and now you might have lost something worthwhile over nothing.
If there were issues with your longdistance relationship you should have dealt with them instead of going into another relationship. What you need to do now is some serious introspection – think long and hard about who you want to be with, who makes your heart sing and who you can’t imagine your life without. Then decide.
My girlfriend has threatened to kill herself if I leave her and I’m not sure what to do. I want to leave but I don’t want to be responsible for her death. CONCERNED, SMS
girlfriend can’t hold you at ransom and force you to stay in a relationship that doesn’t fulfil you anymore. She needs to come to terms with the fact that the relationship is over and move on. How can she be content in a relationship that’s forged by threats and believe it’s healthy? She needs help.
Call the South African Depression and Anxiety Group’s suicide helpline on 0800-567-576 for assistance. For joint counselling, call LifeLine on 0800-150-150 but still stick to your decision to cut ties with her and live your life.
QPURSUING MY DREAM
I graduated from university majoring in English literature and language. I’m really interested in becoming a writer and writing my own book. Sometimes I write about things that pique my interest or about what I’m feeling. This is something I really want to do but I don’t know how to make my dream come true. ODWA, EMAIL
sounds exciting and if it’s something you really want you should definitely go for it. The first step would be to find out what type of books you’re interested in writing.
Do some research about that and read books of that style to see how they’re written. You could also find an online course on how to write a book then scout for publishers when you’re ready for proper guidance. Wishing you the best of luck.
QHE HAS NO DRIVE
My 40-year-old husband and I have been together for 10 years. He has been promising he’d learn to drive since we met but there’s always some excuse. This means I have to drive everywhere – even when I was pregnant and after I had the baby. It’s caused problems in our marriage so I spoke to his mother and she said she’d talk to him. That was six months ago and nothing has changed.
He lacks motivation and the desire to succeed so now I’m thinking of divorcing him and raising my child alone. Where is his pride? How can someone who can’t drive be the head of a family? BN, EMAIL
could be a valid reason why your husband isn’t eager to drive. He might have some deep-seated trauma involving a car or driving. You need to get to the bottom of this without criticising him. You also have to decide why you’re thinking about divorcing him.
Is the challenge so big and the damage so great you’re prepared to throw 10 years down the drain? I think you should try marriage counselling. Call Famsa on 011-975-7106/7 to find an office near you.
QTIME TO GO
I’m a 55- year- old man with two grown-up daughters. Please can you help me get them to leave my house because they seem to think they’re untouchable. FED UP, SMS
soon as they turn 18 they’re no longer your responsibility and should find their own way in the world. You can ask assistance from the Family Life Centre on 011-788-4784 to conduct a family therapy session so you can all discuss this.
If necessary you can ask a court to move them out of your house, but that could ruin relations between you and your daughters forever.
‘Is the challenge so big and the damage so great you’re prepared to throw 10 years down the drain?’