LAUGH OUT LOUD
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
My friend says to me: What rhymes with orange? I say: No, it doesn’t.
So what if I don’t know what Armageddon means? It’s not the end of the world.
“Go to the store and buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, buy a dozen,” a wife says to her programmer husband.
Husband returns with 12 loaves of bread.
Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines.
Two men meet on opposite sides of a river. One shouts to the other, “I need you to help me get to the other side!”
“You are on the other side!” the other guy replies.
I couldn’t figure out why the baseball kept getting larger . . . then it hit me.
Before your criticise someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you do criticise them, you’re a mile away and have their shoes.
Why aren’t koalas actual bears? They don’t meet the koalafications.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa did – not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.