DRUM - - Good Laughs -

I told my girl­friend she drew her eye­brows too high. She seemed sur­prised.

My friend says to me: What rhymes with or­ange? I say: No, it doesn’t.

So what if I don’t know what Ar­maged­don means? It’s not the end of the world.

“Go to the store and buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, buy a dozen,” a wife says to her pro­gram­mer hus­band.

Hus­band re­turns with 12 loaves of bread.

Have you heard about those new cor­duroy pil­lows? They’re mak­ing head­lines.

Two men meet on op­po­site sides of a river. One shouts to the other, “I need you to help me get to the other side!”

“You are on the other side!” the other guy replies.

I couldn’t fig­ure out why the base­ball kept get­ting larger . . . then it hit me.

Be­fore your crit­i­cise someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you do crit­i­cise them, you’re a mile away and have their shoes.

Why aren’t koalas ac­tual bears? They don’t meet the koalafi­ca­tions.

I want to die peace­fully in my sleep like my grandpa did – not scream­ing in ter­ror like the pas­sen­gers in his car.

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