COME IN, ALREADY!
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Control freak. Con . . . Okay, now you say, “Control freak who?”
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Snow. Snow who? Snow use, I forgot my name again.
A FEW FUNNIES
I like long walks, especially when they’re taken by people who annoy me.
My grandmother was a tough woman. She buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
Behind every great man . . . is a woman rolling her eyes.
WORK EMAILS TRANSLATED
I have a question: I have about 18 questions.
I’ll look into it: I’ve already forgotten about it.
I tried my best: I did the bare minimum.
Happy to discuss further: Don’t ask me about this again.
No worries: You really messed up this time.
Take care: This is the last you’ll ever hear from me.
Sorry if I somehow missed your email: We both know you never emailed me.
Thank you for your help: I would’ve done it much faster myself.
Recording on an Australian tax helpline: “If you understand English, press one. If you don’t understand English, press two.”
A 14-year-old weasel walks into a bar in New York and asks the barman for a beer. The barman immediately sees the weasel’s too young to be served alcohol.
“Look, you’re not old enough,” he says. “I can’t serve you a beer.”
“Oh, come on,” the weasel says, “can’t you just slide me one?” “I’m not allowed to serve anyone under 21 in this bar, and you look way younger than that.” “Fine. Well, what else can I have?” “Well, we have non-alcoholic drinks. I can serve you tap or bottled water, coffee, iced tea or soda pop.” “Pop,” goes the weasel.
A couple goes to a Chinese restaurant and orders the chicken surprise special.
The waiter brings the meal, served in a cast-iron pot. Just as the woman is about to help herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
“Good grief, did you see that?” she asks her husband.
He hadn’t, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises. He sees two eyes looking around before the lid slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over and explains what’s happening and demands an explanation.
“Please, sir,” the waiter says, “what did you order?”
“We ordered the chicken surprise,” the husband says.
“Ah! So sorry,” the waiter says. “I brought you the peeking duck.”
A group of engineering professors are invited to fly in a new plane. After they’re comfortably seated they’re told the plane was built by their students.
All but one of the professors immediately get up and frantically head for the exit.
“Why are you staying put?” one professor asks the one who’s still in his seat.
“Well,” he replies, “I know my students very well. I’m confident the engines won’t even start!”
A defendant is giving a judge a hard time. Judge: Where do you work, Mr Smith?
Defendant: Here and there. Judge: What do you do for a living?
Defendant: This and that. Judge: Take him away.
Defendant: Wait, when will I get out? Judge: Sooner or later.
THE FAMILY SPUD
A family of Irish potatoes – a mother and her three daughters – is sitting at the dinner table one night when the eldest daughter speaks up. “Mother, I have big news,” she says. “What is it?” her mother asks. “I’m going to get married!” “Oh, are you now? And who are you going to marry?” “I’m going to marry Irish Red.” “Oh, that’s a fine tater, a very fine tater indeed.”
Then the middle daughter speaks up.
“I have big news too, mother,” she says. “What is it?” her mother asks. “I’m going to get married too!” “Oh, are you now? And who are you going to marry?” “I’m going to marry Idaho Gold.” “Oh, Idaho Gold – that’s a fine tater, a very fine tater indeed.”
Then the youngest daughter, no more than a child, speaks up.
“Mother, I have big news too,” she says. “Oh, do you now?” her mother asks. “Oh, yes. I’m going to get married too!”
“Oh, are you now? And who are you going to marry?”
“I’m going to marry that man whose voice you hear when we watch soccer.” The mother is perturbed. “But, sweetie,” she says, “that man is just a common tater!”
ALL OVER THE PLACE
A preacher becomes so excited during his sermon that he breaks into an impromptu spot of singing.
Afterwards he asks the church organist, “What key did I sing that in?”
“Most of them,” the organist replies.
Announcement heard at a supermarket: “If any shoppers have a convertible parked outside with the top down, it has just started raining. Towels are located in aisle five.”