A man in a restaurant calls the waiter over and asks for bottled water. “Still?” the waiter asks. “Yes,” the man replies. “I haven’t changed my mind.”
THE LIE DETECTOR
John is a salesman’s delight when it comes to his great enthusiasm for buying unusual gadgets.
His wife, Miriam, long ago gave up trying to get him to change and isn’t surprised when he comes home one day with another gadget – a robot that’s also a lie detector.
A few days later their son, Junior, arrives home from school two hours late and John and Miriam are very upset. John sits Junior down at the kitchen table and demands, “Where have you been?”
“Several of us went to the library to work on a school project,” Junior replies.
The robot walks around the table and slaps Junior, knocking him off his chair.
“Son,” John says, “this robot is a lie detector. Now tell me where you really were after school.”
“We went to Bobby’s house and watched a movie,” Junior says.
“What did you watch?” Miriam asks.
“The Ten Commandments,” Junior answers.
Again the robot slaps him and knocks him off his chair.
With his lip quivering Junior gets up, sits down and says, “I’m sorry I lied. We actually watched a video called Sex Queen.”
“I’m ashamed of you, son,” John says. “When I was your age I never lied to my parents.” The robot walks around to John and delivers a whack that nearly knocks him off his chair. Miriam doubles over with laughter and, almost in tears, says, “Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can’t be too mad with Junior. After all, he’s your son!” Then the robot walks around to Miriam and knocks her off her chair!
A woman is on trial after being charged with murder. “Mrs Makaza,” starts the prosecutor who’s crossexamining her, “after you put the poison in the stew and served it to your husband, didn’t you feel even a little remorse for what you were doing?” “I did,” she says calmly. “And when was that?” “When he asked for seconds.”
TWO OF THE SAME
An 80-year-old man goes to see his doctor and complains about pain in one knee.
The doctor examines it gently and says, “Well, you know this knee is 80 years old. You can’t expect too much.”
“That’s true,” the man agrees. “But, Doc, so is the other one and it’s not bothering me like this one!”
Johnny’s teacher writes these maths problems on the blackboard: a) 7+5= b) 19 - 8 = c) 8+8= Stumped, Johnny writes: a) 7 + 5 = Jesus b) 19 – 8 = Jesus c) 8 + 8 = Jesus After marking the test the teacher calls Johnny to the front and says, “Can you please explain to the class how you calculated these answers?”
Johnny smiles and says, “That’s very simple. In Sunday school we learnt that Jesus is the answer.”
THE RIGHT WORDS
A man recently bought a brand-new car. He’s somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drive his prized possession even to the supermarket which is just a few blocks from their house.
But she persists and he finally relents, cautioning her as she departs, “Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age!”
FOR THE KIDS
Question: Why did the chicken cross the road? Answer: He saw the zebra crossing. Question: What did the Atlantic Ocean say to the Indian Ocean? Answer: Nothing. They just waved.
Question: What do you call a fly without wings? Answer: A walk.
Question: Why is the number 6 so scared of number 7?
Answer: Because 7, 8, 9.