Good Laughs

A man in a restau­rant calls the waiter over and asks for bot­tled wa­ter. “Still?” the waiter asks. “Yes,” the man replies. “I haven’t changed my mind.”

DRUM - - CONTENTS -

THE LIE DE­TEC­TOR

John is a sales­man’s de­light when it comes to his great en­thu­si­asm for buy­ing un­usual gad­gets.

His wife, Miriam, long ago gave up try­ing to get him to change and isn’t sur­prised when he comes home one day with an­other gad­get – a ro­bot that’s also a lie de­tec­tor.

A few days later their son, Ju­nior, ar­rives home from school two hours late and John and Miriam are very up­set. John sits Ju­nior down at the kitchen ta­ble and de­mands, “Where have you been?”

“Sev­eral of us went to the li­brary to work on a school project,” Ju­nior replies.

The ro­bot walks around the ta­ble and slaps Ju­nior, knock­ing him off his chair.

“Son,” John says, “this ro­bot is a lie de­tec­tor. Now tell me where you re­ally were af­ter school.”

“We went to Bobby’s house and watched a movie,” Ju­nior says.

“What did you watch?” Miriam asks.

“The Ten Com­mand­ments,” Ju­nior an­swers.

Again the ro­bot slaps him and knocks him off his chair.

With his lip quiv­er­ing Ju­nior gets up, sits down and says, “I’m sorry I lied. We ac­tu­ally watched a video called Sex Queen.”

“I’m ashamed of you, son,” John says. “When I was your age I never lied to my par­ents.” The ro­bot walks around to John and de­liv­ers a whack that nearly knocks him off his chair. Miriam dou­bles over with laugh­ter and, al­most in tears, says, “Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can’t be too mad with Ju­nior. Af­ter all, he’s your son!” Then the ro­bot walks around to Miriam and knocks her off her chair!

DOU­BLE DOSE

A woman is on trial af­ter be­ing charged with mur­der. “Mrs Makaza,” starts the pros­e­cu­tor who’s cros­sex­am­in­ing her, “af­ter you put the poi­son in the stew and served it to your hus­band, didn’t you feel even a lit­tle re­morse for what you were do­ing?” “I did,” she says calmly. “And when was that?” “When he asked for sec­onds.”

TWO OF THE SAME

An 80-year-old man goes to see his doc­tor and com­plains about pain in one knee.

The doc­tor ex­am­ines it gen­tly and says, “Well, you know this knee is 80 years old. You can’t ex­pect too much.”

“That’s true,” the man agrees. “But, Doc, so is the other one and it’s not both­er­ing me like this one!”

PROB­LEM SOLVED

Johnny’s teacher writes these maths prob­lems on the black­board: a) 7+5= b) 19 - 8 = c) 8+8= Stumped, Johnny writes: a) 7 + 5 = Je­sus b) 19 – 8 = Je­sus c) 8 + 8 = Je­sus Af­ter mark­ing the test the teacher calls Johnny to the front and says, “Can you please ex­plain to the class how you cal­cu­lated these an­swers?”

Johnny smiles and says, “That’s very sim­ple. In Sun­day school we learnt that Je­sus is the an­swer.”

THE RIGHT WORDS

A man re­cently bought a brand-new car. He’s some­what re­luc­tant to al­low his wife to drive his prized pos­ses­sion even to the su­per­mar­ket which is just a few blocks from their house.

But she per­sists and he fi­nally re­lents, cau­tion­ing her as she de­parts, “Re­mem­ber, if you have an ac­ci­dent, the news­pa­per will print your age!”

FOR THE KIDS

Ques­tion: Why did the chicken cross the road? An­swer: He saw the ze­bra cross­ing. Ques­tion: What did the At­lantic Ocean say to the In­dian Ocean? An­swer: Noth­ing. They just waved.

Ques­tion: What do you call a fly with­out wings? An­swer: A walk.

Ques­tion: Why is the num­ber 6 so scared of num­ber 7?

An­swer: Be­cause 7, 8, 9.

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