Good Laughs

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A cou­ple are driv­ing down to a hol­i­day des­ti­na­tion. While on their way, they get into an ar­gu­ment and stop talk­ing to each other. As they drive fur­ther, they pass a few pigs on a farm nearby. The hus­band says: “Are those fam­ily?” The wife promptly replies: “Yep – in-laws!”

OUT TO PAS­TURE

Groups of Amer­i­cans were travelling by tour bus through Hol­land.

As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the pro­cess of cheese mak­ing, ex­plain­ing that goat’s milk was used.

She showed the group a lovely hill­side where many goats were graz­ing.

“Those are the older goats put out to pas­ture when they no longer pro­duce,” she ex­plained.

“What do you do in Amer­ica with your old goats?” she asked.

A spry old gentle­man an­swered: “They send us on bus tours!”

MIS­TAKES

If a politi­cian makes a mis­take, it’s a . . . new law.

If a sci­en­tist makes a mis­take, it’s a . . . new in­ven­tion.

If a tai­lor makes a mis­take, it’s a . . . new fash­ion.

If a teacher makes a mis­take, it’s a . . . new the­ory. If our boss makes a mis­take, it’s a . . . new idea. If an em­ployee makes a mis­take, it’s a . . . big mess up!

HOLY TRICK

Rev­erend Ramela woke up Sun­day morn­ing and re­al­is­ing it was an ex­cep­tion­ally beau­ti­ful spring day, de­cided he just had to play golf.

So, he told the as­so­ciate pas­tor that he was feel­ing sick and con­vinced him to con­duct the ser­vices for him that day.

As soon as the as­so­ciate pas­tor left the room, Fa­ther Ramela headed out of town to a golf course about 60 kilo­me­tres away.

This way he knew he wouldn’t ac­ci­den­tally meet any­one he knew from his par­ish.

Set­ting up on the first tee, he was alone. Af­ter all, it was Sun­day morn­ing and ev­ery­one else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while look­ing down from the heav­ens and ex­claimed, “You’re not go­ing to let him get away with this, are you?” The Lord sighed, and said, “No, I guess not.” Just then Fa­ther Ramela hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, drop­ping just short of it be­fore the ball rolled up and fell into the hole. It was an 840 me­tre hole-in-one! St Peter was as­ton­ished. He looked at the Lord and asked, “Why did you let him do that?” The Lord smiled and replied, “Who’s he go­ing to tell?”

SHOW, DON’T TELL

A univer­sity grad­u­ate is ap­ply­ing for a part-time job to help with his course fees. He ap­plies to work in a su­per­mar­ket and gets the job. The first day the man­ager tells him to sweep the floor, the grad­u­ate is furious and shouts: “Hey, man, don’t you know that I have sev­eral de­grees in var­i­ous ar­eas of science and af­ter seven years of go­ing to univer­sity you ask me to sweep the floor? I can’t do that!” The man­ager replied with a smirk, “Oh sorry, I didn’t know that. Here, pass me the broom and I’ll show you how to sweep a floor.”

YOURS OR MINE?

A man and his wife are in court get­ting a di­vorce. The prob­lem was who should get cus­tody of the child.

The wife jumped up and said: “Your Hon­our, I car­ried the child for nine months and brought the child into the world with pain and labour. She should be in my cus­tody.”

The judge turns to the hus­band and says, “What do you have to say in your de­fence?”

The man sat con­tem­plat­ing for a while, then slowly rose.

“Your Hon­our, if I put a rand in a vend­ing ma­chine and a Coke comes out, whose Coke is it – the ma­chine’s or mine?”

RE­LAX­ING

Mkhize is en­joy­ing the sun at a beach in Dur­ban. A girl comes over and asks him, “Are you re­lax­ing?” “No, I’m Mkhize,” he an­swers. An­other guy comes over and asks him the same ques­tion. Again he an­swers: “No, I’m Mkhize”.

A third per­son comes over and asks him the same ques­tion.

Mkhize is so an­noyed he de­cides to move. While walk­ing he sees a guy sit­ting in the sun. He goes to him and asks: “Are you re­lax­ing?” “Yes, I’m re­lax­ing,” the guy replies. Mkhize bends over, slaps him and says: “Hey,

wena, ev­ery­one is look­ing for you and you are sit­ting over here, id­iot!”

DEC­LA­RA­TION OF LOVE

A man and his wife are sit­ting at home on the ve­randa. “I love you,” he says. “Is that you or the beer talk­ing?” she asks. “It’s me, talk­ing to the beer,” he an­swers.

BET­TER OF­FER

Dur­ing the wedding re­hearsal, the groom ap­proaches the pas­tor with an un­usual of­fer.

“Look, I’ll give you R30 000 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I’m sup­posed to prom­ise ‘love, hon­our and obey’ and ‘be faith­ful to her for­ever’, I’d ap­pre­ci­ate if you’d just leave that out.”

He passes the min­is­ter an en­ve­lope with R30 000 and walks away sat­is­fied.

On the day of the wedding, when it’s time for the groom’s vows, the pas­tor looks the young man in the eye and pro­ceeds: “Will you prom­ise to pros­trate your­self be­fore her, obey ev­ery com­mand and wish, serve her break­fast in bed ev­ery morn­ing of your life, and swear eter­nally be­fore God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at an­other woman, as long as you both shall live?”

The groom gulps and looks around and says in a tiny voice, “Yes.”

Then he leans to­ward the pas­tor and hisses: “I thought we had a deal.”

The pas­tor re­turns his en­ve­lope with the R30 000 and whispers: “She made me a bet­ter of­fer!”

FORE­WARNED

Girl When we get mar­ried, I want to share all your wor­ries, trou­bles and lighten your bur­den. Boy It’s very kind of you, dar­ling, but I don’t have any wor­ries or trou­bles. Girl Well, that’s be­cause we aren’t mar­ried yet.

GIRL GUIDE

A man asks his per­sonal trainer at the gym, “What’s the best ma­chine for me to use to get the girls?”

The per­sonal trainer replies, “Use the ATM out­side.”

FOR THE KIDS

What did the fuzzy scarf say to the woolly hat? I’ll hang around while you go on ahead.

What do you call milk that comes from a cow af­ter an earth­quake? Milk­shake!

Why do dol­phins only swim in salty wa­ter? Pep­per makes them sneeze!

TIP WANTED

A man goes to the po­lice sta­tion wish­ing to speak with the bur­glar who’d bro­ken into his house the pre­vi­ous night.

“You’ll get your chance in court,” the po­lice of­fi­cer says.

“No, no no!” the man com­plains. “I want to know how he got into the house with­out wak­ing my wife. I’ve been try­ing for years.”

CLEVER DAD

A fa­ther has two kids who want to sell le­mon­ade on the street cor­ner for 15c a glass. He fig­ures he’ll spend about R30 on the in­gre­di­ents, the kids will sell maybe 10 glasses and then drink the rest and get stom­ach aches.

Even­tu­ally he tells his kids, “Go stand on the cor­ner for two hours and come back, I’ll give you R20. Ev­ery­body wins.”

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