A couple are driving down to a holiday destination. While on their way, they get into an argument and stop talking to each other. As they drive further, they pass a few pigs on a farm nearby. The husband says: “Are those family?” The wife promptly replies: “Yep – in-laws!”
OUT TO PASTURE
Groups of Americans were travelling by tour bus through Holland.
As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat’s milk was used.
She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
“Those are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce,” she explained.
“What do you do in America with your old goats?” she asked.
A spry old gentleman answered: “They send us on bus tours!”
If a politician makes a mistake, it’s a . . . new law.
If a scientist makes a mistake, it’s a . . . new invention.
If a tailor makes a mistake, it’s a . . . new fashion.
If a teacher makes a mistake, it’s a . . . new theory. If our boss makes a mistake, it’s a . . . new idea. If an employee makes a mistake, it’s a . . . big mess up!
Reverend Ramela woke up Sunday morning and realising it was an exceptionally beautiful spring day, decided he just had to play golf.
So, he told the associate pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to conduct the services for him that day.
As soon as the associate pastor left the room, Father Ramela headed out of town to a golf course about 60 kilometres away.
This way he knew he wouldn’t accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.
Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, “You’re not going to let him get away with this, are you?” The Lord sighed, and said, “No, I guess not.” Just then Father Ramela hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it before the ball rolled up and fell into the hole. It was an 840 metre hole-in-one! St Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, “Why did you let him do that?” The Lord smiled and replied, “Who’s he going to tell?”
SHOW, DON’T TELL
A university graduate is applying for a part-time job to help with his course fees. He applies to work in a supermarket and gets the job. The first day the manager tells him to sweep the floor, the graduate is furious and shouts: “Hey, man, don’t you know that I have several degrees in various areas of science and after seven years of going to university you ask me to sweep the floor? I can’t do that!” The manager replied with a smirk, “Oh sorry, I didn’t know that. Here, pass me the broom and I’ll show you how to sweep a floor.”
YOURS OR MINE?
A man and his wife are in court getting a divorce. The problem was who should get custody of the child.
The wife jumped up and said: “Your Honour, I carried the child for nine months and brought the child into the world with pain and labour. She should be in my custody.”
The judge turns to the husband and says, “What do you have to say in your defence?”
The man sat contemplating for a while, then slowly rose.
“Your Honour, if I put a rand in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, whose Coke is it – the machine’s or mine?”
Mkhize is enjoying the sun at a beach in Durban. A girl comes over and asks him, “Are you relaxing?” “No, I’m Mkhize,” he answers. Another guy comes over and asks him the same question. Again he answers: “No, I’m Mkhize”.
A third person comes over and asks him the same question.
Mkhize is so annoyed he decides to move. While walking he sees a guy sitting in the sun. He goes to him and asks: “Are you relaxing?” “Yes, I’m relaxing,” the guy replies. Mkhize bends over, slaps him and says: “Hey,
wena, everyone is looking for you and you are sitting over here, idiot!”
DECLARATION OF LOVE
A man and his wife are sitting at home on the veranda. “I love you,” he says. “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asks. “It’s me, talking to the beer,” he answers.
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approaches the pastor with an unusual offer.
“Look, I’ll give you R30 000 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I’m supposed to promise ‘love, honour and obey’ and ‘be faithful to her forever’, I’d appreciate if you’d just leave that out.”
He passes the minister an envelope with R30 000 and walks away satisfied.
On the day of the wedding, when it’s time for the groom’s vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and proceeds: “Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?”
The groom gulps and looks around and says in a tiny voice, “Yes.”
Then he leans toward the pastor and hisses: “I thought we had a deal.”
The pastor returns his envelope with the R30 000 and whispers: “She made me a better offer!”
Girl When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden. Boy It’s very kind of you, darling, but I don’t have any worries or troubles. Girl Well, that’s because we aren’t married yet.
A man asks his personal trainer at the gym, “What’s the best machine for me to use to get the girls?”
The personal trainer replies, “Use the ATM outside.”
FOR THE KIDS
What did the fuzzy scarf say to the woolly hat? I’ll hang around while you go on ahead.
What do you call milk that comes from a cow after an earthquake? Milkshake!
Why do dolphins only swim in salty water? Pepper makes them sneeze!
A man goes to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who’d broken into his house the previous night.
“You’ll get your chance in court,” the police officer says.
“No, no no!” the man complains. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying for years.”
A father has two kids who want to sell lemonade on the street corner for 15c a glass. He figures he’ll spend about R30 on the ingredients, the kids will sell maybe 10 glasses and then drink the rest and get stomach aches.
Eventually he tells his kids, “Go stand on the corner for two hours and come back, I’ll give you R20. Everybody wins.”