Good Laughs

DRUM - - Contents -

CREDIT CARDS

Tshepo: Tendai, I know you like to keep a sharp eye on your bank bal­ance so I must warn you, there are crim­i­nals about. My own wife’s credit cards were re­cently stolen.

Tendai: That’s ter­ri­ble! When and how did this happen? What did the po­lice say?

Tshepo: Actually, I’m warn­ing all my friends but I’ve de­cided against re­port­ing it to the po­lice – it’s crim­i­nal, but as it turns out the thieves are spend­ing far less than my wife was!

A GREAT DIS­COV­ERY

Teacher: Bon­gani, go to the map and find North Amer­ica. Bon­gani: Here it is! Teacher: Cor­rect. Now, class, who dis­cov­ered Amer­ica? Class: Bon­gani!

SE­CRET SOCKS

Teacher: What a pair of strange socks you’re wear­ing, one is green and one is blue with red spots. Bon­gani: Yes, it’s re­ally strange. I’ve got an­other pair just like it at home.

DOU­BLE IN­SULT

A wo­man gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugli­est baby I’ve ever seen. Ugh!”

The wo­man goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fum­ing. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just in­sulted me!”

The man says: “You go right up there and give him a piece of your mind – go ahead, I’ll hold your pet for you.”

FIRSTBORN

A man calls the doc­tor and speaks fran­ti­cally into the phone, “My wife is preg­nant and her con­trac­tions are only two min­utes apart!”

“Is this her first child?” the doc­tor asks.

“No stupid!” the man shouts, “This is her hus­band!”

A NEW FRIEND

Thandi has just started a job as a school coun­sel­lor and is ea­ger to help. Dur­ing break­time she no­tices a girl stand­ing by her­self on one side of the school field while the rest of the kids are en­joy­ing a game of soc­cer at the other. Thandi ap­proaches her and asks if she’s all right but the girl says she’s fine.

Yet a little while later Thandi no­tices the girl is in the same spot, still by her­self. Ap­proach­ing again, Thandi of­fers, “Would you like me to be your friend?” The girl hes­i­tates, then says, “Okay,” look­ing at the wo­man sus­pi­ciously. Feel­ing she is mak­ing progress, Thandi then asks, “Why are you stand­ing here all alone?” “Be­cause,” the little girl says in ex­as­per­a­tion, “I’m the goalie!”

A SNAIL’S PACE

A snail mak­ing its way down an al­ley in Joburg is mugged by a gang of ants. A po­lice de­tec­tive comes to in­ves­ti­gate and asks the snail if he can ex­plain what hap­pened. The snail slowly faces the de­tec­tive and, with a con­fused look on his face, replies, “I don’t know, it all hap­pened so fast . . .”

ONE-LIN­ERS

A clear con­science is usu­ally the sign of a bad mem­ory.

I’d kill for a No­bel Peace Prize.

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