WINNING LETTER
For you, Mom
The article by Melanie Carstens about her mother’s death [For you, Mom, May 2019] opened an emotional wound I thought was long healed. Just before my mom died 17 years ago, I had reached a period in my career when I was always ‘busy’. I (grudgingly) made time to take my mother shopping every Wednesday.
But this particular week, I changed it to Friday as I had a stressful meeting to attend. When I came out of the meeting, I was told that my mom had been trying to call me. I phoned her, and she said: ‘Where are you? You were supposed to collect me for shopping.’ My pent-up stress boiled over and I replied harshly about how I couldn’t just drop everything to help her.
My last words to my mother were unkind and hurtful. I didn’t fetch her on Friday either as I was still smarting from our argument. That Friday night my mother died of an aneurysm in her lung. Gone... No chance to say I was sorry. No chance for another shopping trip. No chance for an ‘I love you’. What I’d give to take back those words and apologise…
Even 17 years later, it still weighs on my mind. How easily we forget the love and support our parents gave us – being ‘too busy’ could be one of our biggest regrets. Thank you for publishing a moving, heartfelt article. Bev Verwey
Thank you, Melanie
The May 2019 issue is superb. I appreciate that your magazine deals with real women’s issues, not just fashion and makeup.
Of special interest to me was the article by Melanie Carstens about her relationship with her mother. I can so relate. Melanie was brave to be so honest – for some reason women are expected to pretend that our moms were perfect once they have passed away.
Growing up with a mom who had intermittent depression, and moved and changed jobs continuously ensured that my self-esteem and relationships were very limited by the time I was a teen. I eventually discovered that she had a common condition called borderline personality disorder. High-risk behaviour (I have several halfsiblings out there), addiction and not taking responsibility are some of the symptoms. Sometimes this results in the person seeming emotionless. This is said to occur in highly sensitive individuals, and Melanie’s mom appears to have been one.
I’d recommend that Melanie chat to a counsellor (if she hasn’t already), as mine reminded me that I was not my mother and had made much better choices. Lots of love to Melanie; please let her know that there are people who understand exactly how she feels. I am in awe of her honesty. Simone
Ed: Melanie’s moving story has generated a huge response. It reminded us that our relationships with our mothers – something many of us take for granted – can also be very fragile: fraught and equally full of blame and longing. Melanie is working on a book which we know will be just as powerful as this story. We wish all of you the love and understanding – and kindness to yourselves – that you need.